Friday, June 08, 2007

May The Force Be With Me.

Killer waves his hand and says, “You will enjoy this post.”

I want the Force. In Star Wars the Force is something mysterious and hard for Luke to control, but when the prequels came out, you really got to see what special things you could do once you mastered this gift.

I’m not saying I want to dedicate my life to helping the Universe, or traveling around in a tacky brown robe while mediating inter-planetary disputes, but it would kick ass if I could do all the flips and mind control shit.

It would probably start out innocent enough. Maybe I would be eating at Denny’s and the rude waitress would keep walking by ignoring my empty cola glass; I could wave my hand and say, “You want to fill my glass with cold refreshing cola.” She would reply in a monotone voice, “I want to fill your glass with cold refreshing cola.” It would naturally escalate as I got cockier. I’d be opening beer bottles with my light saber and making hot chick’s mini skirts blow up with my mind power. I’m pretty sure it would eventually corrupt me completely and I will find myself with Donald Trump in a mental choke hold screaming, “Give me a billion dollars!” Then I would give him a hair cut with my light saber.

I can’t deny that I would eventually be lured over to the Dark Side. I’m pretty selfish and impressionable. I don’t think I would go as far as destroying entire planets with a Death Star, but I would probably park it “accidentally” between a planet and it’s sun; causing a solar eclipse. People wouldn’t really fear me, but they would most likely think I was an asshole. “There goes that jerk, Lord Killer of the Sith. I cut him off in traffic the other day and he turned my car upside down and shoved a gerbil up my ass with his mind. I hate him.”

I’ve been trying really hard the last few hours to move something with my brain, but I can’t really figure out which muscle to use. I did discover which one makes my left testicle move, but nothing with telekinesis yet. I guess it’s a start.

What do you think? Would you be a good Jedi Knight or an evil Dark Lord?

7 comments:

Babybull40 said...

If your Testicles start floating then you will have achieved greatness....

hellohahanarf said...

can i be both a good and a bad jedi? depending on how i felt when i woke up that particular day?

if i made your balls float would that make me a good or bad jedi?

gatey STILL can't remember his login said...

I like how you casually threw in a random way of how a gerbil can get up your ass. I think you are just laying the groundwork for the day when you have to explain that to someone...and you are just getting people used to the idea that it can happen in ways other than the expected method.

anyway, we will miss you at the roo this year...I'll drink a Sweetwater 420 for you...but no more bourbon beer...that was for the birds...

Wavemancali said...

Thanks Killer, enough inspiration for my own post out of the dark side/ light side question.

For the record, light side, for the reasons go read my post :)

laughingattheslut said...

Liz hasn't been around much this week. While you're learning to use the Force, could you maybe find out if Liz is okay. I'm afraid maybe she's practicing breathing air with pot and coke. Or maybe she tried to do away with Monday and Wednesday and someone in the calendar business made her disappear.

chad said...

if i choose the dark side, do i get to skip that crappy, rat-tail hairdo that the jedis-in-training get?

Killer said...

Babybull:
If my testicles start floating I will never leave the house again.

Hellohahanarf:
YOU making my balls float makes you a GREAT Jedi in my book.

Gatey:
If you wife doesn't complain about your gerbil issues, than who am I to discuss it openly.

wavemancali:
Okay, I will come check out your Jedi quandry.

Laughingattheslut:
I've already reprimanded Liz for her absences. Unfortunately, she started a union here, somehow connected to the Teamsters, so she is now nearly impossible to fire. It makes it harder since she is the President of the union, as well as it's only member. (She won't let me join)

Chad:
Your white boy fro is bad enough.