Saturday, June 16, 2007

Wait for it, WAIT.... wait... wait... NOW!

Liz



says



I've noticed that when I log in to Blogger, there is always a pause before I can access the compose page for Killer Rants. Killer Rants is the only page that pauses before loading. I believe it is God sending me a message. "Think, child, before you type." Thank you God. You're right.

Pauses are wonderful. Except pauses in your menstrual cycle. Pauses are the second best form of comedy around. Quick wit is the first. I am quick witted. I am not a good pauser. When I'm not sure what to say, instead of silence I usually blurt out something like, "Holy fuck!" See how a pause could come in handy? I'm always the first to say "Amen" after a silent prayer. I give it about 15 seconds. Then, if others still have their heads bowed, I end up saying, "Enough already! Let's eat!" You have all day to pray. Quit holding up progress.

I'm interesting to be around because I'm full of inappropriate and unexpected comments. My filter disintegrated a long time ago. You'd either find me very charming and hilarious or you would want me snuffed out. There is so little in-between. During the next marriage proposal I get, I'm going to have to work on this. I've been proposed to several times. I don't really think any of them were serious, as sometimes the proposals sound like, "If neither of us is married in 10 years..." or "Do you think that one day...." My inability to pause means that before the sentence comes completely out of his mouth, I've answered. "Fuck no!" or "Maybe after that bitch you call a mother dies." You can imagine my embarassment when he was asking me if I would teach him to make meatballs.

I wonder if animals pause. I sometimes see my cat, Sneaker, staring up at me inquisitively. I'll think, "Look at him admiring me. Damn right. I'm the breadwinner in this family." Then he'll jump on my stomach and turn his backside to within 2 inches of my face. Cat owners learn quickly how to hold their breath. Pause their breathing, so to speak.

I have thought about taking a vow of silence so that I could appreciate the power of the pause. My job won't stand for that, so I have to come up with something else. I took up napping as a way to pause from reality. Work also frowned upon that. Sometimes when I'm peeing I try to pause the flow and play Jingle Bells. That's only fun the first few times. This whole concept of pausing is just out of my reach. I'm much better at fast forward.

10 comments:

Killer said...

I paused before commenting...you could not really tell, but I did. It did not make my comment any better.

dmarks said...

"Sometimes when I'm peeing I try to pause the flow and play Jingle Bells."

That's more like "Jingle balls. Killer's balls. Jingle all the way...."

I stop there. I am not going to write about "...oh what fun".... No sir.

Margaret said...

thank you! now i know what to say the next time someone proposes!

mist1 said...

Pause midstream. Your kegels will thank you for it.

heather said...

~you~ had a comment filter??!!
i thought for sure you came out saying 'what the fuck took you so long? it's fucking crowded in there man!'

fringes said...

I don't have a sarcastic comment. This was a really good post.

Churlita said...

Pausing, huh? It sounds like a great idea if I could ever pull it off. Where would I pick up one of those filters?

Liz said...

Killer, You paused, but your mind was never at rest. D, Great. His own theme music. Margaret- You're so welcome. He won't ask again. Mist, My kegels love me. Heather- the existence of a filter may have been slightly exaggerated. Fringes- Thanks! How nice of you. Churlita, Unfortunately, they cannot be bought... but what a great thing to try and market on e-bay!

josiecat said...

I have a question, what is the half life of the comment filter? I was just wondering when mine would totally disapear...

Babybull40 said...

God says: Your quite welcome...