Friday, June 08, 2007

Thanks for the Concern

This is part of the email Killer sends Liz:

Okay, what the hell are you doing that is so important you have been ignoring Blogistan?

Did you see the news yesterday about the proposed changes to the passport requirements? Apparently people are getting pissed about all the trouble they are having to go to and all the DELAYS in receiving them, so Bush wants to lessen the laws. I hope you get yours in time. I just wanted to add some more stress to your wait.

Get your ass in gear and blog something, Beatch.


Now, I ask. Is that love or what?

I had one of those shitty days today. The kind that makes you wonder if you might need medication. I loathe everyone around me with such passion that I considered actually taking it too far. Knocking a few folks off. Having my own Louise moment where I drive the car off the cliff. I have to confess that I have a pretty low-stress job that pays fairly well. My job does not involve wiping asses or inserting tubes into people's most sticky orifices. I recognize that I have no right to have emotions outside of the "Happy" to "Blissful" range. Yet, I bitch on.

I have an unusually low tolerance for stupid. This doesn't always combine well with my willingness to pontificate. I try silence when I feel that push from deep within to lash out against the idiots. Then, I get flooded with, "What's wrong?" or "I'm worried about you," or... my very least favorite, "Do you want to talk?" When I'm in a mood like I'm in now, do not ask me if I want to talk. I am very capable of talking. I never feel like I need an invitation to do so. I also stare off into space. I try to disengage. This isn't a cry for help, this is me being kind to you. When I'm glancing off, staring out of the window, I am saving us both from a very ugly scene. Recognize that I hate you and move on.

I have learned that I am a helper and not a helpee. I never want you to counsel me or console me unless you are a very good friend. A friend, not a work associate, not a neighbor, not a boss, not a distant relative. I don't care what your advice is... really. I promise you, me asking, "Does that sound fine to you?" is not the same as me asking, "Please... I'm lost! I just can't form an opinion. Tell me how to proceed! And don't leave out a single step because I'm a total fucking idiot. Why doesn't toilet paper come with instructions? God help me!!! Will you please tell me exactly how to think?"

There are exceptions. I might ask about some money market account and if you'd do it. I may ask if a restaurant is any good. You know, those things that I haven't tried myself. It's unsolicited advice that drives me up the wall. My life has, so far, turned out extraordinarily well. I am very lucky and (related to luck) have pretty good instincts. I feel like I have credentials that make it ok for me to help others in need. Others in need are, well, needy. I don't mind helping them work through some thing. Usually, people are appreciative that someone has listened, spent time with them, shown an interest, asked questions, and cares about the outcome of their problem. Important point that some people still don't get? I am never an "other in need". Oh, I might occasionally ask a generic "What would you do?" question, but it's just because I'm nosy.

Here is a piece of this rant: My pointing out how much you suck is not the same as being negative. It is, to go back to the 90's, me "keeping it real". I suck at some things. Math, directions, tennis, spelling, lying. I could make a substantial list. When someone points this out to me, I don't accuse them of being negative. They're right. It's true! I'm not flawless. These biscuts I made DO suck. Let's go out for breakfast. Where is the confrontation potential in calling a spade a spade?


Tomorrow night a friend is having a party. I don't want to go anymore because people from work will be there. I've had enough of them this week. This friend is a good friend and my attendance at the party is expected and would be appreciated. My absence will definitely be noticed. But I have better options. I could stay home and watch TV, for instance. Clip my toenails. Try to give the cats a bath. I really, really don't want to have to socialize with any of them on my night off.

So... what would you do?

Now, for a real question, what is a legal way to numb yourself from the assholes in this world so that you can glide through, unaffected? I could do much less at my job and still succeed, but I can't miss a lot of work or take naps that last longer than 25 minutes at lunch. Strong medication that would knock me out won't work. Alcohol abuse on the job would get me fired. Any more therapeutic posts like this and Killer will block me from the blog.

I'm hoping a vacation to Italy will do the trick. All the cocaine and pot in the air can only help things. I'm just not sure I can hold out that long.

Help. I'm needy.


Killer said...

Hey! My emails to you are strictly private. I don't want everyone out there in Blogistan thinking I am some sort of tyrant.

Just skip the party and tell everyone you were too drunk to stand up and/or drive. They expect that of you and will probably believe it.

laughingattheslut said...

Oh, I know what to do on this one.

You go to the party, and you take the awful biscuits and some other stuff that you make that's really bad. And then you sort of force them on them on everybody (except your friend and anyone else you happen to like). That should be a bit of fun, and it should convince everyone not to invite you to anymore parties.

After you do that for a while, pretend to get a phone call from another friend, who sounds really drunk. You must know lots of people who get really drunk, right? And then you have to leave the party early so you can go and stop the friend from driving or doing something else really stupid. See?

And then you can go home and cut your toenails. Or maybe blog something about the stupid people at the party.

Liz said...

I cannot believe it didn't occur to me to say that I was already too drunk to attend. Good thinking. Or that I have to go pick up a drunk friend. Ideal. Sadly, I have prearranged for a friend to drive, and he'll be here at 6:30. But your thinking is right on track.

laughingattheslut said...

What? No blog about the stupid party people?