Tubby's Fitness Center and Country Style Buffet

Tonight at the gym I was floored with a comment from a 115 pound female. She looked right at me and with a straight face said, "Don't you hate when you wake up feeling extra fat? Skinny people have no idea what that is like."

This girl is skinny, in my Southern Male mentality, much too skinny. I don't even really know this girl, so I was not sure if she was serious or if she was being a smart ass. So, I gave her a neutral response, "I don't know what you are talking about. I feel this fat all the time." To which she responded, "That's sad." At this point I was really confused. Is she likening her lanky stick-like frame to my robust, Rubenesque body, or is she trying to reach out in an empathetic manner to the fatties of the world? My cynical side kicked into defensive mode, "Yes, it is sad. I would be crying constantly but my high calorie diet has caused my tear ducts to clog with bacon grease." She smiled, I smiled, she walked away. I climbed onto the elliptical machine thinking to myself, "I'm single because I'm an asshole."

I noticed early on the infestation of healthy people at my gym. Why are they here? What are they trying to prove? Does the gym pay all those hot girls to walk around in tight spandex shorts?

There are special gyms for only females, and there are private gyms for just old people. I want to start a gym for nothing but fat people. A gym without protein shakes and water vending machines. No more power bars and tight spandex work out suits on display. My gym is going to sell full calorie Coke, Root Beer and have a full bar. The only clothes we will sell are baggy sweats and Muumuus.

We will all commiserate our failures and celebrate our success together. "Jimbo lost five pounds this week. That deserves some fried chicken!" It's not that I want my members to stay fat, but like pharmaceutical companies, the money is in the treatment, not the cure.

We will still rejoice when someone manages to fall through the cracks and reaches their goal weight. When Jimbo finally loses his goal of 100 pounds, we shall hoist him up on to our shoulders, march him triumphantly through the gym for all the fat people to behold. We will carry Jimbo past the recliners, through the all-you-can-eat buffet, around the chocolate milk fountain and right out the front door. We will toss Jimbo onto the pavement, tear up his membership card and tell his skinny ass to hit the road.

Once back inside as we are faced with all the depressed and jealous faces, I will raise my arms to the sky and cry out, "Free Ice Cream Sundaes For Everyone!" As everyone drowns their sorrows in some comforting ice cream I will let them in on the secret success of Tubby's Fitness Center and Country Style Buffet, Jimbo will be back, they always come back. We'll hold his Muumuu for him.