Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Tubby's Fitness Center and Country Style Buffet

Tonight at the gym I was floored with a comment from a 115 pound female. She looked right at me and with a straight face said, "Don't you hate when you wake up feeling extra fat? Skinny people have no idea what that is like."

This girl is skinny, in my Southern Male mentality, much too skinny. I don't even really know this girl, so I was not sure if she was serious or if she was being a smart ass. So, I gave her a neutral response, "I don't know what you are talking about. I feel this fat all the time." To which she responded, "That's sad." At this point I was really confused. Is she likening her lanky stick-like frame to my robust, Rubenesque body, or is she trying to reach out in an empathetic manner to the fatties of the world? My cynical side kicked into defensive mode, "Yes, it is sad. I would be crying constantly but my high calorie diet has caused my tear ducts to clog with bacon grease." She smiled, I smiled, she walked away. I climbed onto the elliptical machine thinking to myself, "I'm single because I'm an asshole."

I noticed early on the infestation of healthy people at my gym. Why are they here? What are they trying to prove? Does the gym pay all those hot girls to walk around in tight spandex shorts?

There are special gyms for only females, and there are private gyms for just old people. I want to start a gym for nothing but fat people. A gym without protein shakes and water vending machines. No more power bars and tight spandex work out suits on display. My gym is going to sell full calorie Coke, Root Beer and have a full bar. The only clothes we will sell are baggy sweats and Muumuus.

We will all commiserate our failures and celebrate our success together. "Jimbo lost five pounds this week. That deserves some fried chicken!" It's not that I want my members to stay fat, but like pharmaceutical companies, the money is in the treatment, not the cure.

We will still rejoice when someone manages to fall through the cracks and reaches their goal weight. When Jimbo finally loses his goal of 100 pounds, we shall hoist him up on to our shoulders, march him triumphantly through the gym for all the fat people to behold. We will carry Jimbo past the recliners, through the all-you-can-eat buffet, around the chocolate milk fountain and right out the front door. We will toss Jimbo onto the pavement, tear up his membership card and tell his skinny ass to hit the road.

Once back inside as we are faced with all the depressed and jealous faces, I will raise my arms to the sky and cry out, "Free Ice Cream Sundaes For Everyone!" As everyone drowns their sorrows in some comforting ice cream I will let them in on the secret success of Tubby's Fitness Center and Country Style Buffet, Jimbo will be back, they always come back. We'll hold his Muumuu for him.


Mel Francis said...

Dude, I'm there.

You know, it's really not a half bad idea. But, as soon as you open the Fatties Only Gym (FOG for short) some skinny bitch would get offended and sue you for discrimination.

Natalie said...

I think it is a really good idea. You could totally get a grant.

Roadchick said...

Send a membership application to the Roadtrip.

Anywhere with a chocolate milk fountain is the place to be.

hellohahanarf said...

now that is a gym i would join! sign my big ole butt up.

hellohahanarf said...

ps...killer, i think i love you. but it's ok. don't be afraid, i won't stalk you. just loven you from afar.

Liz said...

Nice idea, but I can make it better. I would rather join a gym that services men with perfect bodies and 6-pack abs who have a thing for fat chicks who loathe exercise. I also want the expectation to be that I come and watch them work out while they come to watch me eat brownies and drink from your chocolate milk fountain.

If there is a heaven, I just described it.

mist1 said...

Lord, my anorexic self is confused right now. Maybe you should just throw up.

heather said...

make it an open bar with exercise optional and i'm there!

Ariel said...

Would lifting a glass to your mouth be considered exercise? If so, sign me up!

Chris said...

I think I MUST join. But I would like a visitors pass to Liz's gym.

But you are not married, as you are looking for a woman JUST like Susan.