Sweet, gullible Killer
Okay, I have been keeping this under wraps for the last few weeks, but I really feel close to you guys, and I have to tell someone. My life could be about to change forever! I have it from a very reliable source that I am probably going to be receiving a large amount of money.
Imagine, me, rich. Who would've thunk it. This small town boy from Mississippi might just hit the big time. We in the South grew up watching "the Beverly Hillbillies", thinking that it was a dream too grandiose to achieve, but I might get to actually have myself a concrete pond and eat my possum with only the finest Dijon mustards.
I don't want everyone to know about this because the last thing I need is all my kinfolk calling me up to try and get in on the sweet life. So, luckily most my kinfolk don't have computers; I can tell ya'll.
The source of all my hope and giddiness arrived in the mail a few weeks back. I really did not pay attention at first, but just tossed it aside with my Mini Trucker Magazine. Then, as I was cleaning yesterday, I stumbled upon it. I couldn't believe I could have missed the big, bold print emblazoned across the cover. The sweetest ten words I have ever bore witness to, "Mr. Killer, you might have already won TEN MILLION DOLLARS!" Right next to that fantastic exclamation was the glossy, color picture of one Ed McMahon; a man known throughout the world as an honorable and trustworthy individual. Thus, lending credence and validity to this claim.
I know that many of you naysayers out there might be clinging tenaciously to the one gallingly important word in that sentence, "might". Well, if I am nothing else, I am an optimist. The envelope could have said, "Mr. Killer, we regret to inform you that you have zero chance of winning TEN MILLION DOLLARS!" It might have read, "Mr. Killer, you might have won TEN MILLION DOLLARS, but probably not!" No, you negative bastards, it plainly states that I might have, very well, already won, and that is pretty damn good if you ask me.
I'm gonna be rich, damn it! Ed McMahon wouldn't lie to me.
Showing posts with label Pointless Rants. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pointless Rants. Show all posts
Friday, June 22, 2007
Monday, June 04, 2007
Every Monday is Like a Punch in the Nuts
What the Hell!?!?! It’s Monday again already? How the hell does this happen over and over again? Every time I start to enjoy a weekend, the next thing I know, it’s Monday. I am starting to see a trend here, and it is alarming.
Is there nothing we can do to stop this? Why must Monday keep popping up almost every single damn week? I want the scientists to stop worrying about Cancer and baldness and instead focus on something that effects every single American; Monday.
I might go my entire life without ever getting incurable genital herpes, but it seems like I have at least four Mondays every single month. One month I had Five! I promise you, that was a bad month. I was enjoying my Sunday, rejoicing that all my Mondays were out of the way for that month, when I look at my calendar and see that it doesn’t change months until Tuesday. Oh the Lord had forsaken me. I almost became an atheist that day.
I pay most of my taxes. I’ve never killed anyone of social significance. I deserve a reprieve from this relentless onslaught. If the government can neutralize a Monday on occasion, such as Memorial Day or President’s Day, why can’t they do it all the time? Our’s is the most powerful nation in the world, but we are supposed to believe that they can’t survive on a four day work week. Forget national health care. You want to know what would keep me healthy; 52 three-day weekends a year.
If we join together and begin a serious letter writing campaign to our respected congressional leaders we could end this dilemma once and for all. Complaining and protesting is the American way, and if that doesn’t work, then I am prepared to sue. I would like to see them accomplish this great feat in the Middle East, because if I have to wake up Monday and go to work, then the Terrorists have already won.
It might be an arduous battle, but I am in it for the long haul. Once Monday is wiped out my life is going to be perfect. At least until Wednesday, because that day is starting to piss me off as well.
Is there nothing we can do to stop this? Why must Monday keep popping up almost every single damn week? I want the scientists to stop worrying about Cancer and baldness and instead focus on something that effects every single American; Monday.
I might go my entire life without ever getting incurable genital herpes, but it seems like I have at least four Mondays every single month. One month I had Five! I promise you, that was a bad month. I was enjoying my Sunday, rejoicing that all my Mondays were out of the way for that month, when I look at my calendar and see that it doesn’t change months until Tuesday. Oh the Lord had forsaken me. I almost became an atheist that day.
I pay most of my taxes. I’ve never killed anyone of social significance. I deserve a reprieve from this relentless onslaught. If the government can neutralize a Monday on occasion, such as Memorial Day or President’s Day, why can’t they do it all the time? Our’s is the most powerful nation in the world, but we are supposed to believe that they can’t survive on a four day work week. Forget national health care. You want to know what would keep me healthy; 52 three-day weekends a year.
If we join together and begin a serious letter writing campaign to our respected congressional leaders we could end this dilemma once and for all. Complaining and protesting is the American way, and if that doesn’t work, then I am prepared to sue. I would like to see them accomplish this great feat in the Middle East, because if I have to wake up Monday and go to work, then the Terrorists have already won.
It might be an arduous battle, but I am in it for the long haul. Once Monday is wiped out my life is going to be perfect. At least until Wednesday, because that day is starting to piss me off as well.
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