I'm always willing to give medical advice to people I don't know that well. I like to begin with "I had a friend with that..." and then I choose from these multiple choices:
- and he had to have a nurse swab inside his penis with one of those long Q-Tips
- but I'm sure you'll be fine
- who also thought that wasn't a big deal... until it was too late
- and he ended up having to get a fake nad installed
- and she just slammed a book on it real hard
- but after it wouldn't go away, we quit being friends
- and you can diagnose and treat it yourself with information you find on the Internet
- and her doctor told her to quit talking about it because if she didn't it would get worse
- and she drank a gallon of cranberry juice a day and took a spoonful of olive oil every morning until it cleared up
- and if you don't treat it in the first 48 hours, it starts to stink and the stink is permanent
For some reason, people believe me. But then I start laughing. Even after I laugh, which is the cue that you should not take my medical advice, people will still ask, "Are you serious?" Then I say, "Sure I am!" and laugh again and walk away. 3 out of 5 times people will come back to me and ask again. "Do you think that would work?"
My new plan is to construct a contract that looks very official that relieves me of any liability and have them sign it. I think that would be hilarious. "But Doc, this woman in my office told me it would work." To which the doctor replies, "Son, inserting a mechanical pencil into your anus just doesn't make sense." "But she had a waiver!"
On a similar note, I read today that a 28-year old woman in California died from drinking too much water in a radio station contest to win a Wii. She drank something like 2 gallons of H2O in a very short amount of time. That is sad, but that's also very "Darwin Award". I saw the article on the Internet. There was a poll attached to the article that asked "Whose fault is it?" Ummmm.... every one's and no one's? The cascading stupidity absolves all parties, I say.
Somewhere W. C. Fields is getting a chuckle from this very sad demise. It was he that so famously said, "I don't drink water. Fish fuck in it." I guess I'll have to take
- and he drank two gallons of water, chased it with 6 packs of straight cherry Kool-Aid and it went away
off my list.
