Thursday, January 18, 2007

But It's Good for You

Liz is no doctor, obviously:

I'm always willing to give medical advice to people I don't know that well. I like to begin with "I had a friend with that..." and then I choose from these multiple choices:
  • and he had to have a nurse swab inside his penis with one of those long Q-Tips
  • but I'm sure you'll be fine
  • who also thought that wasn't a big deal... until it was too late
  • and he ended up having to get a fake nad installed
  • and she just slammed a book on it real hard
  • but after it wouldn't go away, we quit being friends
  • and you can diagnose and treat it yourself with information you find on the Internet
  • and her doctor told her to quit talking about it because if she didn't it would get worse
  • and she drank a gallon of cranberry juice a day and took a spoonful of olive oil every morning until it cleared up
  • and if you don't treat it in the first 48 hours, it starts to stink and the stink is permanent

For some reason, people believe me. But then I start laughing. Even after I laugh, which is the cue that you should not take my medical advice, people will still ask, "Are you serious?" Then I say, "Sure I am!" and laugh again and walk away. 3 out of 5 times people will come back to me and ask again. "Do you think that would work?"

My new plan is to construct a contract that looks very official that relieves me of any liability and have them sign it. I think that would be hilarious. "But Doc, this woman in my office told me it would work." To which the doctor replies, "Son, inserting a mechanical pencil into your anus just doesn't make sense." "But she had a waiver!"

On a similar note, I read today that a 28-year old woman in California died from drinking too much water in a radio station contest to win a Wii. She drank something like 2 gallons of H2O in a very short amount of time. That is sad, but that's also very "Darwin Award". I saw the article on the Internet. There was a poll attached to the article that asked "Whose fault is it?" Ummmm.... every one's and no one's? The cascading stupidity absolves all parties, I say.

Somewhere W. C. Fields is getting a chuckle from this very sad demise. It was he that so famously said, "I don't drink water. Fish fuck in it." I guess I'll have to take

  • and he drank two gallons of water, chased it with 6 packs of straight cherry Kool-Aid and it went away

off my list.


briliantdonkey said...


Sounds like great medical advice to me. Heard about the water drinking death too. Kind of Ironic they were doing so for a wii.


chad said...

is my having to go to wikipedia to find out what the heck a wii is a sign that i'm a bit behind the times?

Jester said...

Sadly this isn't the only water overdose in recent history. There was a college freshman who died during a hazing incident where he was forced to chug several gallons of water.

I've always said water will kill you. That's why I stick with bourbon.

mist1 said...

Didn't the woman who died for the wii work in the medical field? It seems like she should have known it wasn't a good idea.

Maybe I made that medical profession up. Sometimes, I do that. I mean well.

Killer said...

You should be in California, that is all the news friggin talks about.

They fired all the DJ's and Producers and the family is filing a law suit against the radio station. There is also talk that they might try to sue Nintendo and Justin Timberlake, since her 2nd place prize was two Timberlake tickets.

Churlita said...

I thought about suing someone for every stupid thing I've ever done, but I ran out of scapegoats. I wonder how much money you could get if you sued the whole world after all the legal fees?

othurme said...

Water. It's the new arsenic.

Woman with kids said...

Well how the hell am I going to finish my glass of water now? Thanks. Thanks a lot.

I like the medical advice though. Sounds better than surfing the Internet for an illness. At least your's are funny.