Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Hate is Such a Strong Word

Hello, my name is Killer and I hate you.

I have an irrational dislike for random people. I can meet someone and almost immediately, I dislike them. Not like an, “I don’t want to see you outside of the work setting”, but more of a, “when you speak to me I feel like someone is shitting into my ear.” I call it irrational because it is often based on bizarre and random reasoning. A strange laugh, a funny smell, and most often, if they are “too familiar” on the first meeting.

You know the people, they are too touchy or shorten your name from Michael to Mike, Mikey, or if you really want to piss me off: Big Mike. Yes, I am a large person, and my name is Michael, but is it really appropriate for a society to identify each other with aesthetic faults? “Hey, Wide Ass Sue.” Or “Yo, Hair Lip Ed.” The only time it would be acceptable to call me “Big Mike” is if there are at least two other Michaels within an arms length of me, and one better be a midget (Little Mike) and the other of average build (Medium Mike). ((Hey! A bonus rant within a rant.)

This irrational dislike can extend to people I have never met. I have loathed Rosie O’Donnell long before it was cool to loathe her. She made my skin crawl back when she was on VH1’s Stand Up Spotlight. I wanted to hit her with a baseball bat when she was in A League of Their Own. I came very close to cramming wooden sticks into my ears every time she laughed on The Flintstones. It’s not her, it’s me, and if she were to suddenly appear in front of me with a six pack of fine micro-brewed beer and offer to give me a foot rub while I drank it, I would still punch her in the tit out of some deep, uncontrollable reaction.

The celebrity dislike is not so bad. I will never meet Rosie, and if she found out I had such disdain for her, she would obviously either get over it, or train one of her twenty adopted kids to track me down and kill me. The dislikes that are more distressing are the people I see almost everyday. I currently work with a woman who is, by all traditional measures, a very nice person. She appears caring, helpful, and genuine. She also wears a LOT of eyeliner, it looks as if she is trying to paint her forehead, and it always matches her brightly colored outfits. Without a hint of exaggeration, she looks an awful lot like Mimi from The Drew Carey Show, but a skinnier version. I and a few other nurses actually refer to her as Mimi.

Mimi loves to dominate the conversation with clever stories of her past nursing experience, she often regales all around of the good things she has done for the average joe, and to make it worse she laughs at all her own anecdotes with a loud and boisterous laugh. The only thing I can compare the laugh to is: a donkey is having sex with a cat, and then they are both run over by an out of control truck carrying a delivery of chalk boards and nails. And, the cherry on top of this cupcake, she wears a wig. A blonde, bob cut wig.

I have great fear that I will lose it one day and pull the wig off and use it to wipe the paint off her face. I’m sure it will get me shunned from society. The news reports will be filled with all the people who can attest to her heart-of-gold and her impeccable reputation. I on the other hand will be portrayed as an angry, crazed lunatic who is jealous of her nursing skills and great fashion sense. Their case will only be made stronger when they search my house and find the dismembered homeless guys all dressed up to look like Rosie O Donnell.


Anonymous said...

Oh Killer-restraint muh man!
Oh wait was that too overly friendly?
You had me rollin' with your ideas of what to do to the loudmouth.
Have a good day anyway.

mist1 said...

I'm glad you're talking about hate today. I have been experiencing sudden onsets of hatred for almost two weeks now. I cannot explain this. I blame people.

hellohahanarf said...

i might actually pay to see you wipe mimi's face with her wig. that, my friend, is entertainment at its best! (especially if someone falls down and / or farts)

dmarks said...

Not much to add here, as I have not had such a workplace enemy. However, friends of mine that worked in different places with the "Queen of Darkness" from my post of the same name did not have nice things to say about her at all.

"Queen" believes in burning all bridges with all of her employers and co-workers. Spectacular Bruckheimer-movie style bridge burning.

Chris said...

Maybe this is a family trait. Or maybe I am the mean one. As I probably would have asked mimi if there is a color of eye liner she doesn't own.

I knwo lets blame it os "big ass Sue".

Later Big Mike

Disco said...

I thought fat people were supposed to be jolly

Natalie said...

That is really funny. I hate people upon first glance sometimes. Usually because of some tragic fashion mistake or the way their face looks.

Churlita said...

I have a friend named John, who's a bigger guy and once we were downtown and some sorority girl he worked with screamed, "Hi, big John!" across the street. He had to really restrain himself from flipping her off. I felt like flipping her off myself, but it wasn't my battle.

Liz said...

Hate is a strong word. I am learning how to cultivate my hate for my own benefit and the misfortune of others. I think I could write a book, "How To Hate and Mean It".

I think I burn bridges, too and I'm ok with that. If I burn the bridge you can't follow me. That is usually my bridge buring goal.

I hate thinking about this.

Jester said...

Geez... there are just way too many rules for me to remember. I don't know if we really should meet in person now. I'm afraid I'll enrage Big Mike.

You don't turn green and split your clothes do you?

Babybull40 said...

today I saw someone I don't know and will never want to know.. weirdos I hate.. because they are different? No because they are odd and weird all at the same time.. looking up at the cloudy skies and just standing there.. hello.. WTF..

heather said...

i get what you mean. my 'celebrity hate' is jim carrey. something about him drives me nuts! it's all of us i think. admiting it is a different story. not all of us admit to being random haters.