Thou Shalt Not Use Air Freshners Shaped Like Trees

Killer sees his chance to impress the Lord

The Pope is at it again. The Catholic Church has released a list of 10 Commandments for Drivers. Vatican's 10 Commandments for Drivers This is the full article from Yahoo, but I shall summarize for those of you who are too good to follow links.

The Vatican's office for migrants and itinerant people has released a list of ten commandments for all drivers to obey. Driving is such a large part of Christian lives that it needs to be addressed how to better serve the church whilst doing so.

Here is the actual 10 Commandments for Drivers:

The "Drivers' Ten Commandments," as listed by the document, are:

1. You shall not kill.

2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.

3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.

4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents.

5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.

6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.

7. Support the families of accident victims.

8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.

9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.

10. Feel responsible toward others.

It all seems to be pretty straight forward except #5; Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin. What!?!? Why would I own my souped up Hummer H2 with the deluxe package, lift kit, and 2000 watt stereo, if not to show my power and domination? If I did not want to let the rest of you slackers know who was boss I'd be driving a Kia.

An occasion of sin? I was really confused by that line. But luckily, the responsible author of this article covers that as well, "An unusual document from the Vatican's office for migrants and itinerant people also warned that cars can be 'an occasion of sin' — particularly when they are used for dangerous passing or for prostitution." Oh, whores, now I get it. It's okay for me to have sex with underage cheerleaders in my car, just don't pay them. Easy enough. (Don't worry, no one is actually getting any in my car. Actually, that's not true. When I was living in San Francisco I caught a homeless couple asleep in my car. I guess they could have had sex in there, but I try to block that out.)

In case you were wondering about the Office for Migrants and Itinerant People, it is specifically tasked with dealing with all "itinerant" people — including refugees, prostitutes, truck drivers and the homeless. "Sorry Mbutu, I realize your family is being slaughtered and forced to run from Darfur, but today's meeting will be focusing on the issues brought forth by Brother G Love, and how he can better control his bitches. No, tomorrow we will be discussing the rising incidence of hemorrhoids among long-haul truck drivers. Maybe we can fit you in next week."

According to this list, I might already be going to hell. This pretty much assures I am not going to convert to Catholicism. I am now leaning towards Buddhism. Those guys don't care what, or how, I drive. And since those monks are so tiny, I can probably fit the whole temple into my Hummer. Nobody will give me a ticket with a truck load of monks.

What Would You Bring?

Killer, pissing off the natives.

Setting: Four nurses sitting around the nurses station eating cookies. Alarms are going off, people are calling for help, but that can wait. We have cookies.

RN1: If we are all stranded on a deserted island what is the one item you would want?

RN2: I would want a big box of matches so I can make fire and stay warm. I hate to be cold.

*nods of agreement with murmurs of approval.

RN3: I want fishing supplies so I can get some food.

*more enthusiastic agreement. RN2 now looks dejected that her match idea has been bested.

RN1: Well, I would want a Bible so I could pray to be rescued.

*sudden back pedaling by 2&3. The Bible was understood, they want a second chance.

Me: I would want a baseball bat so I could hit you guys and take away your items. I could fish, then start a fire to cook the fish.

*2&3 laugh and a discussion begins on the weapons/traps they could make out of fishing wire and matches to stop a bat wielding lunatic on a deserted island.

RN1: (looking aghast) That is really not fair. You would actually hit someone and take their Bible?

Me: No, I wouldn't want your Bible. On the deserted island, me and my bat would rule. I would start my own religion, quickly making your Bible obsolete.

RN1: I would use my Bible and start a church on the island.

Me: Well, my new religion would have church services that were centered around all you can eat fish fries.

*RN1 turns to 2&3 and very seriously asks:

RN1: Who's church are you going to join?

*2&3 are obviously enjoying tormenting RN1.

RN3: If he has all the fishing supplies and matches, we would have to go the fish fry church.

RN1: (standing in a huff) I'll pray for your souls.

Me: (as she storms away) I'll fry some fish for yours.