Musical Mist

Liz loves to dream.

Last night I had one of those great dreams: quirky and non-threatening, funny and slightly nonsensical. In this dream I had been made Ambassador of Culture for the United States. What a perfect job for me! Of course, I don't think this position actually exists, but when Jester, who is running in '08, or Killer, who has also considered throwing his balls into the ring, get elected, I'm sure this job will be created and I know I'm first choice- what with me inventing it and all.

As AoC, my job included such events as waving the flag at motorcycle races and creating a "Made in China" room for the White House. This was a very easy task, as under every piece of furniture in the room there was already a Made In China sticker. I also got to attend a lot of plays and theater shows. Imagine my surprise when I was at a huge production in New York and the closing musical number was a song by "Mist 1"- which is exactly how she was introduced. Mist began singing her own number as the background dancers gyrated excitedly. She wore dark sunglasses and, surprisingly, a drab gray sweater with black slacks. The number was GREAT! The lyrics were clever, the energy was high, and some of the men were wearing wings attached to their leotards. How can you go wrong with men in tights and wings?

I never knew Mist was a redhead.

I think this is the first dream I've had about a blogger. It's odd to start pulling strangers into your dreams. Maybe the Miller High Life has a wonderful side effect I was unaware of. Look out BD and Orthurme! Dmarks and Heather! Churlita and Mel! You guys are well on your way to being part of my next blogger dream- the one where Killer holds you all at gun point and forces you to write poetry about his balls.

I Love Love, Do You Love Love?

Killer, trying desperately to hide his bitter, blackened, lonely heart

Valentines Day, V-Day, or as I like to call it, VD for short.
I have reason to believe that more STD's are transmitted on Valentines Day than any other day of the year. I feel it is my duty to inform you of this, so you might rethink any lurid plans you might have later today, especially you Mist.

I don't need a lot of fancy scientific research to back that statistic up. Some things I just know.

Years of working in the restaurant industry gave me ample exposure to the sudden rash of couples flocking to enjoy a pre-coitus meal, usually making googly eyes at each other and leaving a bad tip.
Add to that a couple of weeks of working in an STD clinic whilst in nursing school, which gave me ample exposure to the shocking rise in visitors almost exactly one week post Valentines Day.

This year will mark 33 consecutive Valentines Days without getting laid, on this, the most sexually prolific day of the year. I will be forced to fall back on my annual ritual. Have a few beers alone, and then take advantage of myself. I should be safer than you sexed craved maniacs out there today, unless a hangnail is sexually transmitted. I will wear a glove just in case.

I have taken the time to throw together a little PSA for you "love birds" out there.


* As a side note: If I retain my bitterness after the day is over, I might just regale upon you my most favorite and cherished nursing story, which just so happens to take place at the STD clinic. It involves elderly people, crackwhores, a wheelchair, an entire can of lysol, and some brilliant wisdom given out by myself.