Wednesday, February 14, 2007

I Love Love, Do You Love Love?

Killer, trying desperately to hide his bitter, blackened, lonely heart

Valentines Day, V-Day, or as I like to call it, VD for short.
I have reason to believe that more STD's are transmitted on Valentines Day than any other day of the year. I feel it is my duty to inform you of this, so you might rethink any lurid plans you might have later today, especially you Mist.

I don't need a lot of fancy scientific research to back that statistic up. Some things I just know.

Years of working in the restaurant industry gave me ample exposure to the sudden rash of couples flocking to enjoy a pre-coitus meal, usually making googly eyes at each other and leaving a bad tip.
Add to that a couple of weeks of working in an STD clinic whilst in nursing school, which gave me ample exposure to the shocking rise in visitors almost exactly one week post Valentines Day.

This year will mark 33 consecutive Valentines Days without getting laid, on this, the most sexually prolific day of the year. I will be forced to fall back on my annual ritual. Have a few beers alone, and then take advantage of myself. I should be safer than you sexed craved maniacs out there today, unless a hangnail is sexually transmitted. I will wear a glove just in case.

I have taken the time to throw together a little PSA for you "love birds" out there.

* As a side note: If I retain my bitterness after the day is over, I might just regale upon you my most favorite and cherished nursing story, which just so happens to take place at the STD clinic. It involves elderly people, crackwhores, a wheelchair, an entire can of lysol, and some brilliant wisdom given out by myself.


Ashley said...

I hate Valentine's Day

Churlita said...

I live in a college town, so we had a ton of girls coming in the clinic right after Spring Break.

Nobody knows what you like,(ahem) better than you do. Have a great night, but feel free not to go into any details on the blog tomorrow.

mist1 said...

Thanks for the warning, but I have a standing OBGYN appointment every Feb. 15th.

Mel Francis said...

Enjoy yourself!

othurme said...

I motion for no post-holiday "celebration" pictures on Killer's blog tomorrow.

fringes said...

You must come to the fringe and tell your story right now.

Jester said...

Here's hoping that by next year you'll be able to forgo the glove. And contrary to what othurme says, I think pictures ARE appropriate.

He has no sense of adventure.

Mayren said...

I still luv ya Killah.
I love love. That's my vote.

heather said...

i'm all for making posters of your psa and posting it at every campus in the country. and every gas station, bar, bus stop, crack house, cop shop, etc., etc.