Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Any Last Words?

Killer, preparing for all contingencies.

Well, I undergo the scalpel in the morning to relocate George . He might not agree with the decision ( George's opinion ), but it is not for him to decide. I like to think they are going to humanely relocate him to some natural reserve for fatty tumors, but he is more likely going to be tossed unceremoniously into a biohazard disposal container. If he had just stayed on the reservation this never would have happened.

With any surgical procedure there are inherent risks. The most obvious being a bad reaction to the anesthesia. I have never had anesthesia, so I am uncertain as to my outcome. Part of me is hoping that I wake up swinging and cursing at the nurses, because I have taken care of a lot of patients that do that, and I would like to see it from their point of view. I have also had a lot of patients that, in a half sleep state, keep pulling off their covers and exposing their balls to everyone in the room. I might do that anyway, regardless of my mental cognition after surgery.

More risks include nerve damage, which could leave me looking like a permanent stroke victim. Which I might actually find amusing. It would be a little pick me up in the mornings when I can look in the mirror and laugh at my own misfortune. Plus, it could give me a chance to get my hands on one of those handy dandy handicap placards that Fringes was bragging about.
Serious scarring is also a risk, but since I am already a 350 pound, angry looking guy with a lot of tattoos, I think a really bitchin' facial scar would just make it all the more better.

The thought of possible death from surgery got me to contemplating what my last words should be. I really want to have a great "last words" quote. Something that, when heard, makes people laugh, but think at the same time. The best I have come across in my schooling has been from a U.S. General during the Civil War, John Sedgwick, "Nonsense, they couldn't hit an elephant from this distance." He was shot immediately there after. That is the kind of kind of thing I want.

Here are the top three choices for me to say right before surgery, in case of a morbid outcome:

"Either that tumor goes, or I go."

"I have figured out the solution for peace in the Middle East, and I will tell you all about it after surgery."

"I bet the doctor one hundred bucks he could not do the surgery blindfolded."

I am open to suggestions, comments, or criticisms.

8 comments:

Mom said...

We'll miss you,son. I hope you already made my christmas gift; we're almost out of forks. Love, Mom
p.s. I paid the doctor $200 to do your surgery blindfolded, so that line is out!

ray said...

You people need help. That's a Christman gift?

LIZ said...

Killer,

If you're reading this, you made it! I cannot believe you went under the knife without posting your last will and testament. How would we know how to divy up your ample cheese and porn collections- not to mention the vats of fermenting beer you have in the closet.

I will do my best to post for you. I'm going to try to write about things YOU would write about and sign in as Killer. Do you think people will know the difference?

chad said...

hey k-man, you should see if they can pluck george from his biohazard bag and mate him with another body part that was equally as unhappy about getting the boot. maybe lance armstrong's other testicle is floating somewhere in a jar of formaldehyde...

Joey said...

Dibs on the porn, the cheese collection is up for grabs.

Margaret said...

May he rest in peace.

mist1 said...

I love anesthesia. Except for the fact that the last thing I remember is the doctor asking me if I work out.

Also, when I woke up there were monkeys all over the room. For a second at least.

I don't believe in good luck. I'll read your post when the procedure is done.

fringes said...

George, we hardly knew ye.

Killer, look for the DSL outlet in the recovery room. You can be the Mark Cuban of the OR.

Waiting right here until you get back...unless someone invites me to dinner.