Tuesday, October 24, 2006

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Killer explains why his family despises him.

To fully appreciate this post you must first read Liz's last post. Priceless, I don't think so

Okay people gather around Uncle Killer for some sage advice. It is nearing the end of October and that means it is time to start fretting about what you are going to give all those damn loved ones. This is the only time of the year when I wish I had fewer people who cared about me.

I decided a few years ago that I was only going to give gifts to my Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother, and Brother-in-law. Everyone else can rely on their own damn families for gifts. Why do I want to spend any more time at some corporate-whore-house mall than I have to. On top of that, to reduce my mall time even more, I decided to give only gifts that I made myself. I have managed to stick to that pretty good the last few years. Unfortunately my family kept the gifts so I can not post pictures just yet. They are greedy like that. I will post some pics in a week or so.

Liz's conundrum with her finances got me thinking of an even better way to give a "home made" gift, and a cheap one at that.

-It also got me thinking, "What the hell is Liz doing with all of her money? Drinking, Partying, Flying in young, virile, Asian man-slaves?" But I quickly got back on track.-

What could Liz give all of her family and friends that is cheap, but something they will never forget. I started to write a comment to her post, but it quickly spiraled out of control like only I can. Let me lay it out for all to see:

Precisely two weeks before Christmas, timing is imperative, you gather all your friends and family. Sit everyone down and tell them you have a rare and incurable disease. Now, first instinct says, "Cancer", but that it too cliched and you are more creative than that. There is actually a whole website devoted to rare diseases. Don't get too crazy with something like "hemorrhaging Anal Fissures", you don't want to take the focus away from your demise. Plus, no one is going to let you sit on their furniture.
Rare Disease Database

Once you have managed to get everyone settled down from all the crying and carrying on, explain that you have two weeks to live, but don't want it to ruin this, your final, Christmas.

Take a moment and help Grandma back into her chair.

Let everyone know that, "Yes, I did get a second opinion. No, I do not want the number of your cousins doctor in Seattle. Of course I am still going to the Def leppard concert next weekend."
You will quickly notice the enormous amount of attention everyone is going to reap upon you. If it becomes too much, just start fake crying and tell them you need some time alone to, "gather my thoughts, and put my affairs in order." That usually works.

Make sure no one in Human Resources at your work gets wind of your upcoming death. The last thing you need before the holidays is a bunch of young, eager go-getters interviewing to replace you. Even when they realize you are not dead, they might just find a cheaper, prettier you.

Finally, the big day arrives. Make sure you sleep in and arrive about an hour late, you want everyone there and commiserating about how much they are going to miss you. Make a grand and lavish entrance. "I am Gonna LIVE!", is shouted by you as the door bangs open. Talking quickly and frantically, "I-just-heard-from-the-doctor-that-new-untested-medicine-from-that-new
Run, Run from the house, whooping and hollering, singing to all the neighbors. Ham it up a bit, ala George Bailey from "It's a Wonderful Life". "Merry Christmas, Mrs. Peterson!...Merry Christmas, Little Jimmy!...Merry Christmas, Jewish family, who we really don't know, and are not trying to avoid, we just don't know what to talk about and are worried you might not want to come over for pork chops."

After running around the block a few times, come on in and rejoice with your family. They will hug you, kiss you, give you ALL the gifts. This truly is a Christmas miracle.
At the end of the night when everyone is tucked tightly into their beds and you are about to fall off into a peaceful slumber, think back about what joy you have brought to your family this year. Also start thinking about a good disease for next year. It has to be a good one to top this.

PS...Oh yeah, I am going to hell.


fringes said...

Handicapped parking placards are only $5. Talk about the gift that keeps on giving.

EEK said...

It sounds like a lot of work, but I suppose that's true for all great plans.

othur-me said...

I think I'll stick with gift certificates.

liz said...


You will not find ANYONE prettier or cheaper than I am.

Wait. That didn't come out right.

I LOVE that, yet again, I prove to be your muse.

You're a hoot. How long will you be blog-free once George is gone? What if George is a fat pocket of creativity and once he's gone....

Too painful to contine...

bam said...

I would like to see you run around the block a couple of times.....

Killer said...

Liz, I have wondered about George's role in my creative juices. I am going to keep him in a jar, and if I get writers block I will eat him.

Bam, Just because I CHOOSE to not run around the block, does not mean I can NOT run around the block.


maybe a "doctor" accomplice would complete the line up...then have all their reactions secretly filmed after the great confession...and the great miracle...then watch the whole thing in you tube...i agree with eek great plan indeed