Thursday, October 19, 2006

If They Confiscate My PC, Delete the Porn!

Liz types... with BOTH hands...

I have had a personal computer for 3 years, 4 maybe? In this time I do not recall ever deliberately going to a porn site. I've had some porn-lite links sent to me, but as far as googling something like "ass milk" or "throbbing hang down", it hasn't happened. I'm no prude or anything, I just spend my time googling stuff like "Mahi Mahi recipes" and "handmade greeting cards". That's all.

That's what worries me so now.

I don't know if you can tell me WHY this happens or how, but every now and again I will run into a batch of photos that I have never saved onto my computer. These photos might be recognized as "Hey! That's the shirt I was looking at on line!" Or, "Oh my God. Why is the Chili's logo saved onto my computer?" That kind of stuff. I guess every image that you see on your screen has been officially downloaded and stored away? That hardly seems fair, since I can never find a picture I really DO want to see again.

About a week ago I was searching through some of the blogs of people who sometimes comment on this site. I must say, our network leads quickly to funny people who are a little raunchy and irreverent- my kind of peeps. I landed on this guy's blog and begin to read. He's a descriptive writer and quick witted; more than once I chuckle while reading his stuff. He speaks about never being serious nor should he ever be taken seriously. My kind of blogger, I confess.

He has posted in his "Recommends" section "Places to See Naked People". This sounds funny, so I go to Naked Celebrities. Three things are wrong with this:

  1. all the celebs are chicks (where are the nude Joe Pesci pix?)
  2. I hardly know any of the names of "celebrities" listed
  3. it's not really very funny

So I try another one of his "Recommends", thinking that I was missing the joke. NOTE: No joke, he's simply putting you one click away from titties. At this next site, it's girl after girl. Not porn, just topless gals- nothing really unique as far as adult photos go, I guess. But very unique to my PC.

I find the poses of bottom tier "models" to be the photographic equivalent of Plan 9 From Outer Space; funny as shit. I click on several of the pictures. I have a hard time resisting "camp": Shocked while brushing hair; naughty with whipped cream; the shushing librarian; you know, that crap.

Once I thought about the fact that I had probably looked at 30 pictures of NAKED WOMEN, I started to think. You know, I'm 35 and single. With two cats. I can't afford to have "evidence" of my sexual orientation point to "Looks at nude photos- of WOMEN ONLY", so I closed down the peep show and started reading The Dilbert Blog.

Today, a similar event. I was visiting a blog, I think it's called Forksplit, and the term "glory hole" was mentioned. I had no idea that I knew, from Porky's, what a glory hole was, so I googgled it.

Everytime, from this day forward, I want to google a word that begins with the letter "G", glory hole is going to pop up as an option.

Therefore, I would like to make this my official request: If I die before my parents do, someone please, please destroy my computer. I could not stand the thought of my mother one day using my PC to type her Sunday School lesson and 17 pictures of glory holes being used pop up!

While you're at it, please hide the one pair of thong underwear that I own (THAT was a mistake), the Indian with a gigantic cock pipe that was given to me by a friend, the box on my closet floor, and any photographs NOT in a photo album. You know, now that I think about it, you'd better just torch the place.

8 comments:

Killer said...

My computer has a self destruct mechanism in place. If I don't push in a special sequence of number every 24 hours, it will explode. (kind of like Lost, without a polar bear)

Could you please go into more depth about the "box on my closet floor". I think this could really offer some insight into your personal life.

MAJOR EFLAT said...

Hi Liz...I just love your musings...and there wuz a time when got to your site by googling rants...and there I was directed...keep it on...

Margaret said...

So it would be better if it appeared that you were bi as well as a porn feind?

EEK said...

I think you may have just come up with an excellent idea for a company (perhaps called 'Dignity for Hire'). You hire them to provide the service of installing a debilitating computer virus to your PC upon your demise. Of course, to ensure that they tracked your demise in a timely manner you would have to be hooked up to a series of monitoring units that would be linked into their systems.

Sacrifices would have to be made, but I think it could be done.

othur-me said...

The cats know too much. Just in case the turning point of feline evolution begins somewhere near your early demise and they develop the ability to speak, we better get rid of them, too.

Killer said...

I think Othur-me is right about the cats. I promise, if you go, the cats will go with you.

othur-me said...

I'm willing to "make them go" sooner, if you like.

I know someone who knows someone, you know.

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