My New Friend

Lucky Liz:

I have a new friend I would like to tell you about:

• He refers to himself in the third person- always- and uses his nickname
• He wears very tacky clothes and he probably paid A LOT for them
• He is a habitual gambler and if you make a bet and lose, you'd better pay up
• He uses much profanity, but says he doesn't cuss around women (hello?)
• He isn't at all self consciences about telling me that he threatened to backhand his pre-teen daughter
• In the middle of a temper tantrum, he becomes possessed by Yote Samity Sam and turns tomato red and STOMPS around in a circle
• He has hair that most men would kill for- and he KNOWS it

Yet, I LOVE this guy. I think he is AWESOME! It's like hanging with one of the cops from Barney Miller everytime I'm around him; clothes and all.

This time with "Hey There Hal" has made me realize something important. I like quirky. Not scary quirky. Not super asshole quirky. Just plain Eric Estrada-inspired, macho, fast car, tight pants quirky. Wooderson from Dazed and Confused quirky.

I can't believe it's taken this long for me to put those words down on paper.

I've been on a haiku kick lately, so I wrote my new friend a poem. It's titled,

"WANTED: Beige Sun Visor".

Friend in third person

Charactercature of yourself

Who picked out those shorts?

I want to get inside his heart and have a look around, so I asked my new friend to write ME a haiku. This is what he submitted:

I'll bet you 10 bucks

And all of your underwear

I can outrun you.

Bitch.

Ok, maybe he didn't really write that, but I know that if he knew what a syllable was, that's what he WOULD write.