Sunday, February 18, 2007

Finally, some answers.

Here are the answers to every one's questions from Friday's post.

I was tempted to just never answer the questions, and wait until everyone started complaining, but that would have only been funny to me.

Paige, from Porch Productions, asked: "What was your truly scariest moment?"
When I was a brand new nurse, I gave a patient the wrong medicine. I was scared shitless they were going to die because I did not know what I was doing. It was possibly the worst ten hours of my life. I think every medical professional has at least one of those moments. It had no noticeable effect on them at all, but I still did not sleep for three days, and I actually looked up new career options, because I did not want to be responsible for some one's death. Now I kill people all the time with no remorse.

Wreckless, from Greenpiece, asked: "What are you afraid of?"
For my sense of humor to suddenly disappear and everyone realize what little else I have to offer.
"What are your fears for America?"
The religious right completely takes over and we become a Christian version of Iran.
"What is a book you would mandate or implore people to read?"
"The Ultimate Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy", by Douglas Adams. After reading that I realized the importance of humor to deal with everyone else going crazy around me.
"How did you get to your current job? Tell us your career path."
I am currently working at a small community hospital in Sacramento, CA. I got here by driving 34 hours from Mississippi. I left Highschool wanting to be a political cartoonist, and entered college as an art major. I would then evolve through, political science, history and secondary education, before settling on Sociology for my first degree. With the hope of getting a PhD by following the Grateful Dead and studying the children raised and "bus schooled" by the Dead Heads. Then Jerry Garcia died. My Mom was a nurse and she made good money doing it, so I started taking pre-requisite classes before I graduated with my Sociology degree. To make a long story short, I am a nurse because Jerry Garcia died.
"What is the scariest thing you ever did?"
For twelve hours I thought I had killed a lady. See above

Anonymous, from ?, asked: "Who are you involved with...Chad, Liz, Bam, or...?
Well, Liz and I are very much alike, so it would be like getting involved with yourself, which is way to metaphysical for me. Chad and Bam, the two guys I travel with frequently, share the unique pleasure of being the only two human beings to see my infamous, "naked ass dance" and lived to talk about it. Unfortunately it is all they talk about now.

Churlita, from Churlish Figure, asked: "If you could be any STD, which would you be?"
I have always said, if you are going to be an STD, be a big one. Initially I thought AIDS, but that is such a downer. I think I will go with Herpes, because you can't die from it, but you can't get rid of it.

Neil, from Citizen of the Month, asked: "Which language do you want to learn how to say testicles in next?
Ohh, I really think Klingon would be pretty interesting. I also really want to go to Africa, so Swahili would be great. But more importantly, I want the world to become so familiar with my testicles, that they develop a brand name that transcends all languages, sort of like Coca Cola.

Eau de Incognito, from Eau De Desiree Deux, asked: "Why did you go into nursing?"
Jerry Garcia died, so I thought to myself, "self, we have nothing to do for the next few years, lets go into nursing, until we decide what to do for a living."
"What does Liz do?"
Well, personally I don't know. I know she works for a big corporation, and I know she claims to work, but I really just don't believe it. So, I asked Liz personally. Here is her official press release, "Liz works hard for her money. She's informally referred to as the office bitch, but she's officially known as an Organizational Development Specialist- which means she specializes in developing the organization. She works with managers in her company to promote their leadership and team skills. She also scans each crowd to see which of the men have on wedding rings. You'd love her. I hear she tells dirty jokes during her meetings."
"Who was your first celebrity crush?"
Goodness, I am not sure. I guess it would have to be Allisa Milano. I always dreamed of showing her who was boss. (sorry about that)
"Do you like Sushi?"
Not innuendo sushi, but actual food in a sushi bar sushi?"
I do enjoy sushi a great deal. Both innuendo sushi and food in a sushi bar sushi.

EEK, from Expert Elephant Keeper asked,
"What is your favorite type of food?"
If you could see me in person you would probably think, "anything", but that would be wrong. My favorite type would be Thai food with Cajun food in a close second. I love every thing spicy, except innuendo sushi.

Fringes, from Sarcastic Fringehead asked,
"What is innuendo sushi? Do I really want to know?"
To preserve your innocent nature that is often at the heart of all your blog posts, I will only answer the second question. No, you don't want to know.

Othurme, from Immunopressed asked,
"Heads or Tails?"
Killer is always after the tails baby! (wink, wink, nudge, nudge. High Five)

Mist1, from To do: 1. Get hobby 2. Floss asked,
Is there an approved, legal usage for a crow bar? If so, what is it?
Good question. Through personal experience and numerous run ins with "the Man", I must say, in the eyes of the law, there are really little legal uses for a crow bar, outside of a NAMBLA convention. The legal ramifications for misuse can be severe.

Woman with kids, from Woman with Kids asked,
"Who is Anna Nicole's Baby Daddy?"
I wish with all my heart I could answer, "Who is Anna Nicole?" The real answer that I have bought into is, Anna Nicole's baby does not have a daddy. It is an immaculate conception. Anna Nicole's baby is the anti-Christ.

Heather, from DKY Bar and Grill asked,
"Who is the best teacher you ever had and why?"
Heather stipulated, "In a classroom setting", but I am not sticking to it. Every summer when I was younger I went to YMCA summer camp, and the Day Camp Director was Nick Nichols. The very first day I walked up to the camp he made me and my sister stand up in front of the entire camp and he introduced me as "Killer" because my parents had registered me by my middle name, Kelly. He always treated me like I was the coolest kid around, so all the other kids believed it. During the school year I was just a fat, goofy, nonathletic kid, but every summer I would become Killer again. I was good at sports, and always got picked first and everyone loved me. Eventually I stayed Killer more and more, until the uncool fat kid disappeared.
When I later took a job as Day Camp Director for a YMCA it was mainly so that I could be some other kid's Nick Nichols.
Man, that story is uncharacteristically sappy.

Liz, from Killer Rants! asked,
"Did you stare at the camel toe the whole time you were riding it?"
Go back and read my original post to understand this. Sort of, the carney running the ride had a camel toe so bad, I could not tell where the camel toe ended and her wedgie began.

Burg, from Deeper Shades of Red asked,
"How much wood could a wood chuck chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck wood?"
Using complex math and an abacus, I determined the answer to be 42.

Apositivepessimist, from Got Nothing But Toejam asked, in a comically Aussie accent,
"Have you ever thought about getting you dangly bits pierced or tattooed? What would the tatt be of?
I have a tattoo on my penis that reads, "Object in pants is larger than it appears."

and Finally rounding us out

Jester, from Jester Tunes asked,
"When was the last time you cried and why?"
I don't remember the last time I had a good sobbing cry, but I pretty much a wuss, and tear up pretty good at sad movies, or heart touching moments like "Extreme Home Makeovers".
"What is the one thing you have done, that you never would have imagined you would do?"
So far nothing. I have a very vivid imagination, and think very highly of myself. Actually, I could say, "still be a nurse." I did not really see myself doing it this long.
"When you are asked to describe yourself and you get a mental image to work from, how old are you?"
I don't know if everyone is like this, but I still picture myself as a young, twenty-something college kid. I have that problem when I am telling people some crazy thing I recently did and have to stop when everyone is staring at me with great consternation. It is at that time that I realize, what is funny at 23 is creepy at 33.
"Can you please explain quantum physics?"
No, I am have never taken a math class more advanced than college algebra. I am a mathematical idiot.
"If time travel becomes possible when is the first time/place you'll visit?"
I guess around 1 B.C. in the Middle East. I want to: A. See if Jesus was real and B. Clarify some shit.

Thanks for every one's input. And a special thanks to those few of you who actually stuck around long enough to read this far.


fringes said...

Heather answred the innuendo sushi question in comments. My other, real question was: when you were younger, did you think you'd have been married by now?

heather said...

great post killer! a nice mix of sap, humor, opps and sounds good. if you do get to travel through time before me let me know. i have a few questions for JC myself.

Burg said...

Thanks! That was bugging the piss out of me!

Killer said...

Sorry Fringes, Once I was finished, I thought I had missed one. I remembered reading one about me being single, but after doing them all, my brain was mush.

Fringes, also asked,
When you were younger, did you think you'd have been married by now?
Yes, I am an optimist, so I always assumed I would meet the right person next week and be married within the next year.
Although it does not seem odd to me that I am not.

mist1 said...

I feel so much smarter now.

Liz said...

I'm proud of you. Good work.

So you think we're metaphysical twins? Please let me be the pretty one. You can be the smart one, Ok? All my life I've had beautiful girl friends. At least let me be the good looking twin?

Although I haven't seen the naked ass dance I did see you almost insert a giant egg shaped sypository once...

heather said...

eewwww! gee liz, just cause killer does something doesn't mean you have to tell us! i understand you may need therapy after seeing that but i just might after hearing that! yuck.

Anonymous said...

Very cool and insightful. I enjoyed your candor and humor throughout. I have to admit I got teared up over the most recent home makeover-did I just write that? I had a hunch that I knew what you would answer to your biggest fear for America and I was right. I am glad that you aren't totally close minded to the Jesus thing. Keep being a cool tolerant and funny person. I look forward to more posts, challenges and the like. You should offer your own challenges.

EEK said...

That was compelling, and I'm not being sarcastic either. I can't believe Jerry Garcia screwed you over.

Eau De Incognito said...

I actuall refer to the Hitchiker's trilogy (all five books) as the Bible. I take it a bit more seriously.

Hey, we only live like 2 hours apart. Creepy yes?

apositivepessimist said...

I feel I know so much more about you after that. The question is did I want to.

For a minute after reading "the best teacher" answer I was like aww wow that's a really nice answer and reason to follow in Nick's way.

Then I slapped myself about.

apositivepessimist said...

Oh and I meant to add this, but I went away before I did...

Oi! are you making fun of the way I talk...*beady eyes*...starting to rethink my lusty luv fer you mister killer!

Anonymous said...

Jesus is REAL! You and these fility friends will burn in...ypu know where.



Sorry this is a little late. I have been behind on the blogs.