Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Massages For Everyone!

Liz promises:



If I ever rule the world, I am going to make massages mandatory. Just like all those civilized countries that take 3 hour afternoon breaks and 2 month vacations, the United States needs to explore ways to relax, I prefer ways that involve oils.



I got a massage tonight. It was buttery comfortable. I feel asleep (which is no surprise considering I've been suffering from a tad of insomnia) and I told the girl to tell me if I snored. I did. Sexy.



When I jolted out of my slumber I had a thought hit me like lightening. "Nina Totenberg is a bitch." was flashing through my brain.



I do not know Nina Totenberg. She is a commentator for National Public Radio. I'm sure she's perfectly lovely, but apparently her story on the creation of sound effects subconsciously pissed me off.



When I'm getting a massage I'm always very relaxed and totally comfortable with a stranger rubbing all over me. The only time I get startled is when they start going toward my thighs. I can handle up to the knee caps, but after that I get ticklish. I start worrying that they're not going to stop "in time". I always wonder if there is some massage protocol that I don't know. A rule where you're supposed to say, "Enough. No means no!" But instead I clinch my teeth and bear it.


I always ask that they concentrate on my back. Forget the arm rub; it's a total waste of my time. They never listen. They have their routine and by damn they are sticking to it! I try to explain that I'm mostly just there for the shoulders and back and I find their commitment to "full body" disturbing. I want my shoulder blades pummeled! I want my spine cracked! I want my neck muscles picked up and slapped around! Anything other than that is the dinner and the movie; a necessary means to a satisfying end.


People have asked me if I would ever marry someone who was really poor. REALLY poor. Like, lean-to's in the alley poor. I always say no, with the condition that I can change my mind if he gives a good back rub.

10 comments:

Liz said...

Nina Totenberg does look like an uptight school principal, doesn't she? I've thought it over. I was right. Bee-ach!

Killer said...

I don't think massage therapists make much money, so maybe you could marry a poor massage therapist.

heather said...

killer, think about that one. when the massage therapist comes home he's gonna want a massage, not give one.

mist1 said...

Nina's really cool. She's in the dart league.

Mayren said...

OMG Nina needs to FOAD for Thursday!

wreckless said...

I'm a massage giver, but not a massage lover. As for Nina, she has a cool sounding name. And like Forrest that's all I have to say about that.

EEK said...

I like it when they give you the hand massages during a manicure. I don't know why, but for some reason getting my hand massaged feels better than anything. Unless, you get the manicurist that gives the violent hand massages that hurt like hell. She doesn't realize her own strength, and I never say anything because it seems rude to tell people how to do their jobs. Also, I'm worried she might think I'm a wuss.

Last time she kept telling me to relax while she was giving me the massage because she could tell that I was all tensed up (from the pain).

othurme said...

Eek - really, who doesn't like a good hand job.

dmarks said...

"I prefer ways that involve oils."

If your rule-the-world scheme leaves some major place in it for the oil industry, you have a greater chance of success.

Allan said...

Can you and Killer run in 2008? I like your platforms.