Monday, February 26, 2007

A Toast for the Special Day

Killer's toast at Liz's pre-wedding rehearsal dinner.

Scene: At a crowded rehearsal dinner I am sitting at the head table two seats to Liz's right. Two seats because Liz is always putting Kim, her BFF, ahead of my needs. (I suspect they might be closet lesbians, the wedding might be a clever ruse) Dinner is over, it was dry chicken, Liz was too cheap to spring for the steak. It becomes painfully obvious it is toast time. Kim, the de-facto maiden of honor, starts to rise, but I pull her down by her drab pant suit and leap up and begin the first toast of the evening:

Ladies and Gentlemen, we are all together at this Denny's to celebrate the matrimonial bond that will be created tomorrow. I remember many years ago when we created the "Liz in Twenty Years" betting pool. Eric was certain about his pick of "lesbian political activist", but I was self assured that my "spinster with 15 cats" pick was a lock. I don't think anyone chose "happily married". Although Og had "married to a foreigner for a green card", we won't give partial credit.

I would love to tell you cute, funny stories about Liz and her soon to be husband, but I think they just met last week, so the funny story will either be at their pre-divorce brunch or their fiftieth wedding anniversary.

I am offering my best wishes to Liz and her new ball and chain. If Liz can hold on to this marriage half as long as she clung to her virginity, it will be a long and secure endeavor.

I would also like to take this time to remind everyone that tomorrow is a theme wedding. You are all encouraged to come dressed as their favorite character from any of the "Cannon Ball Run" movies. Keep in mind the bride and groom are coming as Burt Reynolds and Dom Deluise, and I have dibs on Sammy Davis Jr.

Thank You and Mazel tov

12 comments:

EEK said...

That's so touching. Liz is lucky to have you as a friend.

Churlita said...

Hey,

can't more than one of us go as Dom Delouise? he was a big guy, after all. I bet you could get a couple of people in a Dom Deloise costume. I can do his laugh too.

Mayren said...

*looks under the table for the groom* hmmmm...*looks in Killer's jungle hair for the groom*

So who's side do I get to sit on?
The Bride or Killer? I'd like my save-the-date E-vite prease. I think the Net Postman forgot to delivery today.

Red said...

Love it! Can I e-bear the ring? Or at least sleep with one of the hot fake groomsmen? (Why hello, Killer.)

Liz said...

I adore all of the comments from this and the last post. I feel like Sally Field at the Oscars.

Killer, I don't think you know this, but the groom has a bit of a temper and he is a major Chuck Norris fan. As for your toast, I plan a full rebutal. In this rebutal, I plan to set a new record for using Killer's balls in a posting. As in "Then, after the toast, we hung Killer's balls over the ceiling fan and turned it on. Killer's balls went flying across the room. Killer's balls landed in the mashed potatoes. One of Killer's nads landed in the gravy and one of Killer's balls landed in the potatoes! We all laughed and pointed at Killer's balls. Of course, Killer was being rushed to the emergency room after his toast, but Killer's balls had one hell of a time! We love Killer's balls! It's that dirty mouth that gave that dirty toast that the groom abhores."

Just a head's up... :-)

heather said...

denny's!!! who's springing for denny's, i thought this was gonna be at the firehall with byof!! (bring your own food). we can not waste any money on food, dresses, tuxs, flowers, a preacher/priest/justice of the peace. we are gonna need every penny for the alcohol!!i was sooo looking forward to meeting mist's midget too. :-(
ps wv - lfsulupy=lefts you lumpy

othurme said...

Could I please get a new olive for my martini?

heather said...

olives count as food, so unless you brought your own, you're out of luck.

apositivepessimist said...

I bags being Killer's balls erm I mean the cannonball!!

Hmm so whose checking the "official" invitations? The busboy?

Margaret said...

killer, your such a deep and sensitive soul

Mayren said...

dammit i want a webcam all exclusive pass already?! Killer is gonna get a beating and we so enjoy the reparte' between Liz and Killer. Of course since Liz is gettin' hitched it's like my favorite couple is breaking up...

I call dibs on being the Flower-girl-geek.

Mel Francis said...

If I sign up now to get my Preacher's License via the internet, can I perfrom the ceremony?