Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Not That There's Anything Wrong With It

Liz didn't experiment in college:

By sheer fact that OthurMe's post on "how to eat coochie" almost made me vomit, I know I am not a lesbian. Yet, strangely enough, I "worry" that the reputation of being a lesbian is going to somehow spontaneously generate and I'll get a false label. Kind of like the whore in 9th grade who only slept with her boyfriend twice, but was then branded with a scarlet letter for the rest of her school career. Which, incidentally, lasted until 10th grade.

Peer teasing can be such a bitch.

When Killer says he suspects that Kim and I are closet lesbians, he hit a nerve. Kim's dad WHO IS A PSYCHIATRIST and his then wife actually asked Kim on her wedding day if she thought I might be into women. WTF?

I understand why. I cried and cried and cried the day Kim got married. I mean I fucking grieved. Broke down. Couldn't talk. Sobbed to the point of trembling. Was SMASHED at the wedding and especially after. Smashed with a purpose too... the purpose of making all of this simply go away. It's nothing against the groom, but Kim's marriage represented the end of days running together, wreaking havoc on innocent bystanders. It was like watching your very best friend be shipped off to a concentration camp. Marriage is so life changing- why change the PERFECT set up? But she did, against my obvious disappointment, and now she has a couple of kids and is happy enough. I'm glad it was her instead of me, and it's all ended up quite well.

I also have some paranoias that I tote around. One is that I'm actually borderline retarded and my whole life is a set up, designed to assimilate me into the culture. I have a low-grade fear that my friends are actually my "care takers" and are profiting quite nicely by simply being cordial to me. It could explain why Kim always drives. I have reasons for questioning this that I'll bring up some other time. I will add that Kim has seized on to this fear and has been refrencing it since 1993. By refrencing it, I mean she'll see a large white van pass by and say something like, "Oh! That reminds me. I need to call the clinic and give them an update on you." and then she'll go inside for a couple of minutes.

Friends. Ah. See why I didn't want her time monopolized by something as ridiculous as marriage?

You know, I do lover her. I think I love her more than I love anyone on the planet, but I would take anal penetration by an unlubed 12-inch cock before I'd french kiss her with my hand on one of her tits. I'm not homophobic by any means, but I'm also not homosexual- Regardless of the fact that I'm 35, I've never been married and I have 2 cats.

But if Kim and I were lesbian lovers, I promise you, she'd be the man.


Killer said...

"Kim would be the man" I don't think so. You would be the man, and she would be your controlling wife.

othurme said...

Does it have to be a 12 inch? Could it be a 6 inch?

Liz said...

Killer, you are totally wrong. KIM would be the man. Seriously. I'm the dainty one.... seriously.

Ewww... I think you missed the point! :)

othurme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
othurme said...

OK...you just wrote something about taking a 12 inch schlong up your bum and now expect me to have picked up on some subtle point you were trying mix in with your extremely colorful (brown is a color) comparison?

Mel Francis said...

So, if you were a homosexual (hypothetically, of course, because we know you're not--you're getting married after all...) would that make you a Lizbian?

Kim said...

Liz is right. I would be the man. Proof: I'm coaching softball.