Friday, February 09, 2007

Random Airport Thoughts

For some reason, air travel makes Killer very unsociable.

I am currently enjoying a multiple hour layover here in Chicago Midway Airport on my way back to Sacramento. They have some brightly colored rocking chairs placed along the concourse near the power outlets. I have set up shop in one of the above mentioned chairs, plugged in my Power Book and have decided to watch all the people race by in an attempt to make connecting flights.

There are a lot of ugly people here at the airport. I can comfortably make that statement. It is similar to when a black man refers to other black men by the nefarious "N" word. I can call ugly people ugly, because I am not pretty.

I don't just mean ugly in the face, or grotesque physical deformity, some people seem to work pretty hard to botch their appearance. A thirty year old man with a baseball cap turned sideways and tilted upwards, a young lady with her pants so tight it gives her a "muffin top" of flab trying to escape from her britches, it is these people that amuse me. It could just be a sign of my losing touch with the hip kids of today, but I like to think that people are going crazy, perhaps Al Gore can do a documentary about it, maybe he can pin it on Global Warming.

A golf cart just narrowly missed my toes it had an obese couple and their two obese kids clinging tenaciously to each other for safety. There should be a rule that if you appear to be in dire need of walking the entire length of the terminal, than you should be excluded from the handicap services. It would appear that using the comfort and ease of riding a golf cart through the airport might be what is causing them to need to right the golf cart through the airport.

A priest and a rabbi just walked by. That is not the set up to a joke, it actually just occurred. I feel an incredible urge to follow them to see if they walk into a bar.
If you are a priest and you hang out with a rabbi (or vice versa) it must be nonstop hilarity, because a lot of jokes seem to start with them.

Two guys in sailor outfits just strutted by. By sailor outfit I mean the black pants that flair out to monster bell bottoms and a black shirt with half sleeves and a flap on the back with white stars and stripes, and by strutted I mean seemed very proud of their garb. Why are we still forcing our military personnel to wear such a mocking outfit. The Village People ruined that outfit in the 70's, it and the Native American head dress are ruined and should be reserved for eight year olds on Halloween and gay pride parades.

A couple in their twenties just sauntered by holding hands, this is not bad, but they were wearing matching track outfits. I wanted to throw my foot at them, but by the time I got my shoe off I remembered I don't really have that as a special power. I am pretty sure i could have knocked them both over with one throw.

My ass is numb from sitting in this damn rocking chair. I am going to pack up and go block the moving sidewalk. Sometimes I just feel like being as big as asshole as possible. Do you?


mist1 said...

I watch a lot of porn. I know that I will never big the biggest a$$hole possible.

apositivepessimist said...

When I hit the States a few years back I loved my layovers...namely just for that same reason. People watching. "My god woman, you are the size of a prize heifer do you really think a crop-top and extra snug low slung jeans is well suited to your body type". The worst thing was, she came and stood close to my seated form, I had a prime view of her tightly separated fanny [vagina] flaps. Choiiiice.

They have golf carts there? Dammit I missed that little perk. Will practice my gimpy act so then I will seem entitled to use them. Imagine the range of people watching I can scoot in then. whoaah.

Maia said...

Ah, this was most entertaining, Killer. I ALWAYS look at other people and think how ugly they are. It's one of my neuroses. The comments I make! And aloud too, just under my breath. Rolling the eyes when they've passed helps ease the pain. After watching the auditions for American Idol of late, I wonder if everyone's blind to their faults.

Roadchick said...

The airport is prime people-watching territory. The 'chick is also of the opinion that it should be mandatory to check your "rear-view" before leaving the house. So many crimes against humanity would be prevented.

Mel Francis said...

people watching is an underrated past time.

Airports are good--but my favorite place to people watch is outdoor concerts. Especially concerts by a river.

River Rats are a scary breed.

fringes said...

Funny post. I feel sad for the sailors.

Allan said...

ahhhhh! I'm on a plane with a guy named Killer!

Churlita said...

Killer, would you mind hanging out at an airport at least once a week? This post was hilarious.

EEK said...

Yes. I often feel like being as big of an asshole as possible. Travel probably brings those moods on more than anything. In Midway's defense, though, there is a really good food court there. It's my favorite airport food court that I've ever encountered, and I travel a lot.

I didn't know they had rocking chairs now. That must be new. That just makes Midway even more awesome in my mind.

al said...

Sometimes I take pictures of the truly heinous ones. You know, just to have.

Oh, and to laugh at, show other people, and continue to make fun of.

I can't help it. I have low self esteem.