Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Taking the Liz Challenge

Killer, never backs down from a challenge.

Liz challenged me in a previous post. To my dismay the Liz challenge did not involve any blind taste tests of Liz. I still agreed to take part, reluctantly.

Killer woke up in an even more upbeat mood than usual. The sun was shining, birds were singing, and he was not required to wipe any ass for two days. There was no shortage of ass lying around filthy and untouched, but due to fortunate scheduling, it would be up to some other sucker to wipe them.

He glanced over at his alarm clock and saw it read 6:15. Years of working night shift left him with the inability to determine if it was AM or PM. He threw back the covers and maneuvered his large, stinky feet to the floor. It took a surprisingly long time to find a spot unoccupied by clothes, or other objects. After stepping on what appeared to be a small, wet cat, which squealed and ran for cover, he finally found solid footing and stood up. The extra thick, black fabric that covered his window was pulled aside and fresh, clean sunlight poured into the room revealing weeks of dirty clothes piled calf deep. "I really got to clean up today." After a few moments of deep thought, Killer realized he did not own a cat and leapt onto the bed screaming like a school girl. Killer thought to himself, "My life needs a laugh track for moments like this."

After a harrowing dash to the hallway and slamming the bedroom door safely shut, he went to the laundry room and pulled some clean clothes out of the dryer. Luckily, there is always an odd load of clothes living in the dryer, and he had a firm belief that wrinkles were very slimming.

The doorbell rang and Killer pranced happily to the front door, nothing was going to bring him down on his day off. He opened the door to reveal a beautiful young lady in a doo doo brown UPS uniform. Killer thought to himself about how unfortunate it was that even away from work his mind was barraged with that color. He quickly recovered and decided to try out his "game" on this lovely lass. "I have a package for you." She said in a surprisingly unsultry voice. "What a coincidence, I have a package for you as well." Killer said with a a seductive raise of his left eyebrow. "Uhh..here, this might be more along your lines." She pulled a box that looked like it had been dragged here from the warehouse. Hanging out the side of the box was a dejected looking inflatable sheep with "All Newly Designed Life-Like Orifices." Killer took the debilitated box and dangling sheep as the UPS/model walked quickly back to her shit brown truck. "If my sheep has an air leak, I'm calling your boss!" He yelled with growing indignation. "Yeah, a laugh track would come in really handy right about now." Thought Killer as he closed the door.

Killer stowed Shelly the Sex Sheep in his bathroom and headed out for the gym. A good workout was really needed to get his spirits back up.

Arriving at the gym, he was amazed to get the spot right in front of the door. "Rock Star parking! Things are looking up." He said to himself in the rear view mirror with a conciliatory wink. After reaching his locker, he realized that he did not bring any extra underwear. Not wanting to drive home afterwards in a pair of sweaty, wet underwear killer made the executive decision to work out commando style. After a quick glance around, he slipped his gym shorts back on, sans skivvies. As he headed out of the locker room he noticed a sign that had, before now, gone unnoticed. "All members must wear shirts, shoes, and undergarments on the gym floor." Killer smiled as he walked out with a jingle in his step, enjoying the feel of freedom. "I am such a rebel."

Killer powered through 30 minutes of cardio, which was always easier because the cardio machines looked out over the weight area and into the aerobic room. If you planned your day just right you can work out while watching the Yoga class filled with hot young gals. If you planned it wrong you watched old woman doing step aerobics. Killer made sure to plan right.

After cardio he sauntered over to the weights feeling good and deciding today he needed to show some strength to the ladies. He positioned himself right in front of the aerobic room window. He figured bending over for some Roman Dead Lifts would accentuate his supple behind. He strained through one set and decided to up the weight, just in case any ladies in the class had taken notice. Killer lifted the weight, bent over and realized it might be too much. He buckled down and gave it every thing he had. There was a loud rip and Killer felt a cool, luxurious breeze blow the small hairs on the back of his balls. Suddenly there was an uproar of applause and intense laughter from inside the aerobics room.

All the members in the rest of the gym area looked at the ruckus and noticed the Yoga ladies pointing through the window at Killer. He looked around nervously trying to find a way to minimize the outbreak. "What did you guys do?" He asked with a sheepish grin.

It was at that moment, while everyone shifted uncomfortably, that Killer came to the sad realization that there was no laugh track to accompany his comment.

He quickly scuttled sideways toward the locker room, when the rest of the gym burst into laughter. In his haste, Killer had maneuvered himself in front of a mirror. Killer finally realized he did not, unfortunately, need a laugh track for his life. There was enough laughter to last a life time.


mist1 said...

Somehow, I knew you were a prancer. I don't prance. I saunter.

Mayren said...

Sashay has more attitude

Anonymous said...

How do you approach your sheep is the real question.

EEK said...

I'm glad that you left an opening for a sequal by not resolving the mystery of the cat-like creature shut up in your bedroom.

Mel Francis said...

I'd say you kicked that challenge in the balls, Prancer.

Churlita said...

Maybe you should have put your balls to the walls instead. Will we find out what the creature in your room was? Was it compatible with your sheep?

Liz said...

Bravo! Another true-story-disguised-as-fiction post on Killer Rants!

You forgot to tag this as "another post about my balls."

Nice work, my friend. Nice work indeed.

heather said...

so... did the sheep leak? great post, funny as hell. i'm glad you took the challenge.