Monday, February 12, 2007

If you think I am sexy, don't read this post.

Killer has no shame

A few years ago I was gallivanting around Thailand with my two frequent travel companions, Chad and Bam. They are a bad influence on me. Chad usually makes me drink too much and Bam convinces me to do things I would normally think ill of.

The following picture is an example of the things they talk me into, and from the grimace you can see it was not very pleasant.

I can not blame the haircut on anyone but myself.

Now, what kind of friends would not only pressure me into having any procedure that would cause such agony, but take pictures of me while it was in progress? There was no, "Sorry Killer, we did not know it would be so painful." It was just raucous laughter and flash bulbs going off.

The next picture is a more expansive shot that will shed more light on the situation. I warn everyone out there with a weak stomach and preconceived notions about body hair to stop here.

wanted to get his head shaved, which they will do in Thailand for about a buck. Yes, I am getting my back waxed. Right across from our guest house was a hair salon, and BamBam was buying, so I got my hair touched up as well. During the task the lady pulled my shirt away to whisk away loose hairs and noticed my back forest. Being a sly business person she offered to take care of that area as well, for only about ten dollars American. I, of course, declined. I had no desire to inflict unnecessary pain upon myself. After several minutes of name calling and questioning of my manhood by my friends, and after the unknown workers of hair salon had joined in, I relented. It's Thailand, maybe a back waxing comes with a "happy ending".

I got up and expected to be led up to a private area to undergo the delicate procedure. Instead, I was moved ten feet from the chair to a small table in front of the main store front window. As I removed my shirt, which I very rarely do in public, I noticed that the foot traffic outside was pretty heavy. I positioned my self belly down on the table as the first of the gawkers stopped to see what was about to happen.

Being a third world country and all, Thailand waxers do it the old fashioned way. They use real wax that is being cooked in an old fondue pot, apply it with a tongue depressor and then unceremoniously rip it off, slowly and repeatedly. Disturbingly, the waxer would take the old, hair clogged wax and put it back into the fondue pot for re-use. After a few moments a young girl came in for a bikini wax and they put a partition between us. Her waxer ran out of wax after a few minutes and I saw her come and get some wax from our pot. I could not help worrying that if something happens to that girl, they will find my DNA on her hoo-ha.

During this event Chad and Bam both had their cameras out and were snapping photos, along with a few random tourists outside the store window. That was not nearly as disturbing as the wax ladies repeated offers to come back to America with me and be my wife. Her exact repeated quote was, "You marry me, I come to America and wax your back everyday." She was cute, but the last think I want is a daily back waxing.

By the time the entire ordeal was over, I got up, put my shirt back on, and was upset that the crowd outside the window dispersed without any applause or anything. I was exhausted from the torture, and a little disappointed that there was no happy ending. I was a little disgusted for the next few days because my shirt kept sticking to my back. I missed my protective layer of fur.

Another strange occurrence from getting one's back waxed is the sudden appearance of an ass hairline. I guess they have to stop waxing at some point, so it leaves an abrupt re-start of hair. Don't worry, I included a picture of that as well.


Anonymous said...

Holy ouch Hairy Man that had to Kill! Talk about something to killer rant about-wow. How do you get to go to Thailand? I am afraid of going there and to vegas because of all the temptation.

Killer said...

If you think Vegas is too much temptation, you should probably not go to Thailand.
But in all honesty, Thailand is an awesome place, and like Vegas, you have to go to "that part of town" if you want to be tempted.

fringes said...

You are a brave man, Killer. That final picture of the crack firmly wrote your place in my book: Men We Admire Yet From Whom We Keep Our Distance.


othurme said...

Please post something else soon to get these pictures as far down my browser page as possible.

Liz said...

Now your commitment to having no secrets comes with photos? Great.

mist1 said...

You cannot recycle wax. That's just not okay.

Mel Francis said...

Okay, I'm not sure what is more scary--the look of excruciating pain on your face, or the fact that she reused the wax.

Nice blog. Coulda done without the visuals, though. You know, if I develop my superhero power of being electric, I can try electrolysis on you. Probably wouldn't hurt as much. Sorry, but this offer does not include a happy ending either.

heather said...

killer, you forgot to tell us how long you cried for. ouch!
fringes, i'm with you. i don't know who else you have in your book but i think (hope) killer has a good chance of making the cover.

apositivepessimist said...

ooh I think I just wet myself. Them's some toppp's mates you got there Killer.

I guess we can call you a pillow biter now and not mean any offence by it eh.

Jester said...

Reminds me of the ONE experience I've had of having someone attempt to use the hair removal product "Nads" on my back.

Let's just say that did not go well, and there's a stain on that mattress that is best left flipped to the opposite side.

Next time, go with the Nair.

Oh, you should totally send that used wax to Othurme so he can rebuild the candles he wants to return to Target.

chad said...

first of all, i like to think that first paragraph was an attempt to dissuade liz from usurping my long-time position as your boozy sidekick. that last post of hers cut me deep.
second, you 'forgot' to mention that this was not to be your last back-waxing, but it was the last time bam or i needed to goad you into it.

Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

The thought of reusing wax and, worse yet, using it on another person, in their private spot no less? Truly disturbing.

That last picture? I just didn't need to know that much.

Thanks for sharing, though;>

Killer said...

Woo Woo, thanks for stopping by.

You will find here at Killer Rants the key is to find exactly how far you can push an issue, then go three inches beyond that point.

Neil said...

I've been to Thailand, and I saw things I'm afraid of talking about.

Churlita said...

I hate it when my hairline recedes all the way to my ass crack.

Greg said...

I, uh...