Tuesday, February 06, 2007

My Future Job Opportunities

Killer, taking lazy to a whole new level

I have been off work for almost two weeks now. I think it agrees with me. I don't feel guilty about not working, I don't feel bored or lazy, and I don't seem to have that old man retired syndrome where once you stop working you die. There has got to be a better way to live my lifestyle than working all the time. I have some ideas and I am going to throw them out there to you. Let me know what you think and if you have tried any.

Homeless guy
I have heard theories that these people are mentally disabled, alcoholics, or just plain shiftless layabouts. I personally think I could qualify for any one of those, so how come I am stuck living in an apartment? They get to do whatever they want, wherever they want to do it. I love to travel, and would love to be a hobo. I have never spent much time on trains, but it can't be all that bad. I would be totally passive aggressive in my begging, "If you are going to be going into your pockets any time soon, I would certainly be willing to take any spare change you have in there. If not, that's okay, I am just going to sit here and eat the rest of my shoe. It's not as bad as it seems, but I wish I had not stepped in that dog shit a little while ago."

Concubine
I saw an old movie that showed some Arabian prince who had over 100 concubines. Apparently all a concubine has to do is sit around with other hot chicks and occasionally feed some guy grapes or fan him with a giant feather. I think it would be worth it, just to find out what giant, mutant bird is providing that feather. Although I am willing to take my chances with an Arabian princes harem, knowing that when compared to 99 hot chicks, he would probably not chose me for sexual relations, I would prefer some rich woman's harem, if such a thing exists, but beggars can't be choosers. If any of you gals out there are thinking of putting together a harem, I would like to take a moment to point out that I can wave a giant feather for hours without complaining and I look great in a silky pair of baggy pantaloons.

Gimp
A gimp is similar to a concubine, but usually it is only one person, and you have to wear a leather mask and live in a box. I don't think it would be as pleasant as lounging around in a giant room filled with pillows, but it would definitely be better than my job. The only real experience I have with the gimp industry is from watching Pulp Fiction. And, there was that gimp my parents had when I was growing up. I remember he would clean my room, and if I did not like the job he did, I got to put the ball gag in his mouth and ride him around the house like a horse. Man, I love my childhood memories.

Convict
Wow, let me tell you about this little gig. A free roof over your head, three square meals a day, and the occasional conjugal visit. I have been a free man my whole life and I don't seem to be getting as much action as a man with a life sentence. As a convict you never have to do anything, but not try to run away. Who would want to run away from the glorious promise of endless hours of free time? Sure, you might occasionally get your desert stolen by a 500 pound guy named "tiny", and there is the possibility of getting ass raped by a group of neo-nazis, but once I had a patient projectile vomit, it hit me in the neck and I could feel it's disgusting warmth slide down my shirt and eventually settle as a cold puddle around the small of my back. Ass raping might be a pleasant change of pace.

Those are just four of the many ideas I have to avoid returning to work. Anyone could be a great choice, but I am leaning more towards the concubine option. Mostly because I really want to see that big ass chicken that provides the feathers.

7 comments:

fringes said...

The concubine gig should work. Interview in the bunny suit. Bring your own mutant feather. This will show initiative. Pad your resume by mentioning that night with two professional football players and those underage girls. Bow often and say words like m'lord and m'lady. Try to sound like Leonardo DiCaprio while saying them.

Turn off comment word verification. That may not help you get the job, but it will make me very happy.

EEK said...

I think being a train-hopping hobo would be perfect. You could wear a coat with patches sewn on it at picturesque intervals and trade stories for sponge baths.

Also, you'd need to find a scrappy dog (possibly three-legged) that you'd name 'Patches.'

Patches would be your theme.

Churlita said...

You do realize that almost all of your choices involve the possibility of having sex with men, don't you? Are you trying to tell us something?

You might want to try Jeri Hall or Ivanna Trump if you'd rather the possibilty of having sex with a rich older woman.

Liz said...

I've never met someone so open about his desires to be in a haram. Not have a haram, just be in a haram. Adorable!

You'd make a good nanny. Have you thought about being a full time uncle? Charging Chris $100/day plus room and board?

Wavemancali said...

You've missed a couple of the obvious occupations, I am surprised.

Politician - decent wage, no one expects you to do anything right.

Sycophant - I hear Bush is looking for more.

Burg said...

My husbands uncle is a hobo. It's not as glamorous as you might think.

Mel Francis said...

When I'm rich, you'll be 2nd on my list to be a member of my haram.