Friday, March 09, 2007

Britney Spears appears to have an unfair advantage with the media

Killer ranting about inequality

Life is unfair, I realize and accept this, but I still don't like it. Every time Britney does something it is photographed and sold to the tabloids for millions, but if I do the exact same thing everyone ignores it. What's wrong with me? Don't I deserve a little paparazzi harassment?

Indulge me as I paint a picture of inequity.

Britney Spears walks bare foot, with a bulging belly, into a nasty truck stop bathroom. The press has a field day and plasters the picture all over the celeb magazines. I walk barefoot, with my ample gut hanging out of a half shirt, into a nasty truck stop bathroom, and all I get is a bad fungal infection, and not just on my foot.

Britney hops behind the wheel of her car with her infant in her lap, or as I like to call it, "The Redneck Airbag." She is the matter of much discussion on a variety of TV shows and advice columns. I try driving around with an infant in my lap and all I get is a bunch of questions from the police like, "Who's baby is that?" Like I know who the parents are of every damn baby sitting around in a stroller at the mall.

Mrs. Spears went out on the town one night in a short skirt and flashed her naughty bits for all the world to see. It was one of the most viewed pics on the internet, and every late night talk show went ape shit. I recently wore a Scottish kilt out to a Vegas nightclub, sans underwear. I made a conscious effort to sit around with my legs spread. A couple of girls screamed and some dude threw up. Not one camera flash in the whole place.

Most recently Brit shaved her head and then attacked a SUV with an umbrella. It was on every channel and I think Oprah is trying to set up an interview/intervention. I shaved my head and went on a rampage, crushing several Miatas with my bare hands. No respectable press coverage. Just a small part on Cops. Who doesn't have a fleeting moment on Cops? Oprah's people never called for an interview. Not even Geraldo called.

I don't know what else to do. Justin Timberlake won't return my calls and I'm not quite desperate enough to marry a shitty back up dancer. I'm getting pretty close to losing faith in our media driven society, and no red blooded American should ever do that.


mist1 said...

Killer, I don't know what you're doing wrong. You know, some people just get a pass in the media. Like when Paris Hilton used the N word. No one cared. You are more like Paris than Brit.

Get some big sunglasses.

heather said...

killer dear, if you want the press brit's been getting, try making out with madonna on national television. the entire world will see your arrest pics. lol ;-)

Churlita said...

I would totally buy any magazine that had a picture of Killer making out with madonna on it. I think Heather is right.

Jester said...

I think in order for Killer to make the news, he's gonna have to french kiss Lance Bass after doing coke with Gary Busey.

I'd subscribe for LIFE to any magazine with that cover.

Liz said...

Now Killer, let's get real here. You know as well as I do that you're too lazy to foster media attention. You'd need a publicist to invent stories about you and your eating disorder, you and your brawl at the strip club, you and your propensity to have orgies with minors. Then you'd need a few stories about the fish stick religon you started, questions to be planted about the authenticity of "your" children, and someone to plant man+animal porn in your vehicle.

Once you move back to MS, I'm on the case!

You're welcome.

chad said...

you've gotta pull a tanya harding. who's your biggest competition for blog-dominance? let's say it's othur-me, just because (correct me if i'm wrong) you both live in the same general area. sneak into his place one evening and, as he sits down to post, emerge from your dark corner and give him a fierce crack on the knuckles with a monkey wrench.

Killer said...

Good idea Chad. I could even include Jester, along with Othurme, since they both live within an hour, and I could probably find them hanging out together.

Liz said...

Oh! A "two-for-one"! Those are my favorite three words put together to form a concept.

heather said...

~please~ promise me you will never move to upstate ny, not that i'm any competition for you but you could possibly decide to do liz a favor and keep the whole '2 for 1' thing going. i have a young child, she needs her mommy. :-)

othurme said...

This is why I hardly ever post anymore. Fear of broken hands.