Thursday, March 22, 2007

The Unthinkable

Liz whispers:

Friends, the unthinkable has happened. I have lost my voice. I know that somewhere there are celebrations in the street, as surely prayers have been answered. But for me and my golden fog voice, this is tragic. Tragic in that Carol-Brady-Christmas-solo kind of way.

I think my voice departure has everything to do with the fact that I've got two ear infections and a sinus infection. Being the trooper that I am, I went on to work tonight where I spoke for hours. Now, I fall silent before you with a mini chalk board tied around my neck and a stick of chalk in my hand. I cry out to be heard, but only a faint eek comes from my throat. And my freshly manicured nails keep brushing against this damn chalkboard. Again, tragic. Tragic in that Fonzi's-trademark-bump-didn't-start-the-jukebox kind of way. Oh the humanity!

To add to my agony, I have the world's largest zit right between my eyes. Not only is it huge, but because it's been with me for several days, it has been touched with malicious intent. This means I have successfully made it much worse. To the point where even makeup does nothing but enhance my Hindu appeal. Things just aren't going my way.

But there is some good news.

The other night at Chick-Fil-A I was in the drive thru line. A man two cars up ordered $94 worth of fast food. I wanted to murder him with my bare hands. Instead, I gave a sharp look of displeasure to the 16 year old working the window. I sternly said, "Ya'll really should force people with orders over $25 to come into the restaurant instead of using the drive thru." "Totally!" she said, and I felt better about her generation. They may not be THE GREATEST generation, but when they say "totally", they mean it.


heather said...

look on the bright side liz, now you have a legit excuse for not speaking to those who don't deserve your time and using hand signals and funny faces to get your point across. as for the zit, just draw some eyelashes around it and call it your third eye. that ought to confuse the co-workers! lol

Killer said...

Does that mean phone sex is off for tonight? You should really think about the other people it will effect when you irresponsibly go and lose your voice.

It is probably for the best. I would now be thinking about your monster zit the whole time anyway.

Anonymous said...

The whole zit thing is like a.....I'll be back when I think of the word I need.
My point was it just aint right!

Anonymous said...

Ah, its a recrudescence, that's the word I wanted.
Zits are a recrudescence of those horrific adolescent days fearing what would appear and mar your complexion.
We have already been there-this is supposed to be over.

apositivepessimist said...

There’s yer answer right there. Stick a sequin on it. Liz Duude you could even colour coordinate it with yer days outfit. Alaah fucken trendy!

Maybe it’s an effort for the drive-thru dude to actually walk...that could have been just his tea.

Churlita said...

Don't concentrate on the loss of your voice so much as gaining a zit. When god closes a door sometimes he opens a window and lets all the pimples in.