Friday, March 23, 2007

Hang in there, Dannielynn. Daddy's a-comin'.

Killer proudly touting his sperm count

I'm Dannielynn's daddy. That's right, I have kept my peace for as long as I could, but now I feel, for the child's sake, I need to speak up. How can they possibly expect a three month old to spend fifty million dollars?

At first glance it might not seem obvious, but believe me, I am a sex machine. I am having crazy sex with celebrities all the time. I wasn't planning on getting Anna Nicole pregnant, but my seed is mighty, and now I am ready to Cowboy up and do the responsible thing. I am going to take care of my baby and her money .

Hey, if Zsa Zsa's wrinkly husband can be viewed as a viable suspect, why can't any of us?

I'm a busy fella. I can't recall exactly what I was doing one year ago. So, it might just be possible that I was knocking boots with Anna Nicole. I can't be expected to keep a log book or a sign in sheet for every single person that gets to ride on Killer's Wet and Wild Jungle Ride, but I do validate parking. I like to give back to the ladies.

If they insist, I'm willing to give a DNA sample. As a matter of fact, I keep a couple of random sperm samples in my freezer, so they could just have one of those. (On a side note: Liz, sorry about the mix up. I now label more clearly. Mayonnaise, Man Glaze, I can see the similarity.)

I could really be a good father, and if not, with fifty million dollars at my disposal, I could just hire a better father to pick up the slack. You always hear about celebrities going to third world countries and adopting babies, why not try the reverse? I can go to a third world country and adopt a parent to come help raise Dannielynn. I may not be able to guarantee a level of fame her mother has amassed, but if I raise her in Mississippi, she will have a more than fair chance of being on Jerry Springer or Cops.

While we are at it, I think I will also toss my hat into the James Brown melee as well. I'm the mother of James Brown's illegitimate child. This one could be a tad bit trickier to convince to a jury of my peers. I'm willing to try however, because I have a really low opinion of the mental acuity of my peers.


Mayren said...

I never knew you wanted kids Killah! awwww the pics of you and the money errr i mean baby will be so cute!

Liz said...

Even I would consider having a child if $50 million came with it.

And thanks. I will now forever ask people if they'd like some manglaze on their sandwich.

Chris said...

Once you win custody, Susan will have 2 grandchildren!!! The pressure will be off for you to have another.

Mental note, NEVER eat mayo(aka manglaze) @ your house.

chad said...

i'm just glad you finally managed to work 'killer's wet and wild jungle ride' into a post

fringes said...

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.