Wednesday, March 14, 2007

What Daylight Savings Time Means To Me

Liz springs forward:

You, dear reader, may be witness to the birth of a new pet peeve.

If I get another pet, I am totally naming it Peeve. That just occurred to me.

I have been accosted by an overwhelming number (4) of people trying to blame stupid things they have said or done on the shift to daylight savings. This sounds like something Druids would do, not semi-intelligent modern people with jobs.

I have decided to create my own list of lame excuses to cover my pettiness and ineptness in certain areas:

"Extra pounds"- Unfortunately, this is due to fluctuating temperatures. That drives my sugar addiction to new heights. I'm very sensitive to temperature. If it goes from 78 to 80 in one day, I have to have doughnuts or I might die. Seriously! (I'm not serious).

"Sleeping A LOT"- Contrary to the popular myth that I stay up late playing cards, drinking, computer gaming or watching TV, my need to sleep so much is, in reality, caused by an unusual balance of hormones produced as my fingernails grow. I know! This is totally weird, but my body expends extra effort when producing keratin. I can get a doctor's excuse if you need it. (I don't even know if keratin is what fingernails are made of. But if you don't either, would you challenge me?).

"Having the most unkempt yard on the block"- I was sent to a juvenile detention center when I was 15 for trying to run over the neighbor's annoying dog with a lawn mower. I also tried to take out the neighbor with a weed eater. Part of my rehabilitation included hypnotherapy. I guess it really worked! But, dear neighbor, if you have an issue with how I keep my yard, I will gladly work on it. May I borrow your weed eater?

"Total fear of commitment"- I don't believe in making promises I won't keep, so I simply try to avoid making any promises. In third grade my friend and I both said, "Told ya!" at the same time and she jinxed me. I didn't speak until the second time I went through 4th grade. "The Jinx" cannot be violated.

"Mooching back rubs"- I am allergic to those microscopic bed bugs that live by the hundreds in all of our homes. It's really tragic. They bite me (impossible) and start turning my muscles into stone. If I don't get regular back rubs, I will become immobile. I've already got a Rascal Scooter on lay-away. I know that day is coming.

"Possible Superiority Complex"- God told me I was better than you.

These "excuses" might not work on you, with your giant brain and ability to call bullshit, but I think that if used on the general populace the believability rate would average 60%. These are the same people who say, " I KNEW you were going to say that!" on a daily basis, even though they don't even know their home address. This group is the same group that forwards emails claiming that if you send this to 10 people within 5 minutes, Bill Gates will send you a new laptop. My target population is the people who really do wonder, or better yet KNOW, that Harry Potter books are teaching young people magic spells. You know who they are. They are the same people who claim that their car wouldn't start because of "something to do with daylight savings time, I'm certain!"

Idiots. If not for them, what would be my primary source of entertainment?

5 comments:

chad said...

i can't wait to steal your idea by getting a pet and naming it peave. but you'll probably have around eight cats by the time i get around to adopting a dog (keep your lawn mower away from him).

as for those idiots who think harry potter is evil, those guys are just lashing out because they're envious of their children's ability to read

mist1 said...

Yesterday, several people were late for a WebEx meeting. They all blamed the time change. I muted my phone and screamed, "it's f*cking Tuesday!"

You can only blame the time change on the Monday after.

Liz said...

Chad,

It's ok if you name your pet Peave, but I have dibs on Peeve.
And your reading comment is funny.

Mist,

Thank you for feeling my pain. I say you use the Daylight Savings Time excuse the next time you're late to work. Especially if it's in June or later.

Killer said...

When you told me "God said I am better than you." I believed it. Now you say it was an "excuse". I will pray for my superiority to be restored.

heather said...

lmao there chad! 'as for those idiots who think harry potter is evil, those guys are just lashing out because they're envious of their children's ability to read'
the sad thing is, is that it's probaly true in some cases!
killer, you're male. you will never be superior to liz. ;-)
liz, i have to run it by cheeks when she gets home from school today, but i think the fish just got a name. lol