Tuesday, March 27, 2007

My Trip to the Gyno

Liz spreads more than just the word:

I know that this is too much information, but it's what's on my mind today. Don't think less of me in the morning, ok?

The only good thing about going to the Gynecologist is that you get to miss work to do it. I don't know if I can accurately relate the abject humiliation that is a yearly physical. It's totally embarrassing yet women pay big bucks to have cold metal prodded inside of them of their own free will. My reason for continuing to go annually is that it's the only way to have my prescriptions, cleverly written for 11 months of refills, renewed. Those bastards. They have it all figured out.

I start worrying about 3 days before the visit. I have to make sure that everything is trim and tidy down there, least I leave the office with a reputation as a bushman. I also avoid foods high in cholesterol, since they test for that too, but that isn't nearly as important as making sure I'm shaved from toe to twat and that I'm pedicured. My yearly trip to the Gyno also means my yearly trip to the feminine hygiene aisle where I stock up on anything that may make the doctor's time down there more pleasant. I really shouldn't do this. Hell, they are getting paid a SHIT LOAD to spend 2 minutes prying me open and swabbing. If I were less courteous, I would totally not even change underwear or wipe my ass for 3 days. Make 'em earn it, ya know?

I am also very thoughtful in how I schedule my appointment. I like to go very early so that I'm fresh out of the shower. I will forever be like this. I once worked with a woman who wore those real thick and shiny pantyhose. We worked in a building that wasn't air conditioned and it was summer. She was melted and sweaty, standing at the bus line (we were teachers) and she said, "I've got to cut out of here. I have a OB/GYN appointment in 15 minutes." Holy fuck. That's just RUDE. Maybe those doctors do earn their money after all. I don't ever want to be that woman. Ever.

While watching The History of Sex, I learned that the vibrator was invented to cure women of hysteria and that women would go to the doctor (in droves) to have the hysteria procedure done. It used to be done by the doctor manually, but one guy became so tired that his hands were cramping so he invented a vibrating device to help him. Now THAT is good bedside manners. I might not hate going to the gyno so much if all the visits had happy endings.

I have had both male and female doctors. I prefer the females because, for some reason, it seems like they're in it because they like babies and not because they like pussy. This also causes me some guilt for choosing a female doctor. Every year I feel I disappoint her because I'm not pregnant. I like to think that she thinks, "Great. Just another vagina. No opportunities to be part of bringing life into the world. Ho Hum." Instead of what I imagine a male doctor thinking, which is, "Great! Another vagina! I see more muff than Brad Pitt ever will! Let me see how far I stick my fingers in THIS!" See? That's nasty, but it's what I'm thinking every time a male doctor says, "Spread a little more... a little more... tell me if this hurts." I always feel like I just gave it up to the dorkiest guy in college. It makes me feel so unclean.

The very worst part, aside from the nudity and body cavity invasion, is the breast exam. Oh my God. Take it easy on the girls! Do you really have to try to touch my spine while your feeling me up? Breast exams HURT. And this will only get worse the closer I get to 40- when mammograms become a must.

So anyway, I went to the gynecologist, got blood taken, my titties kneaded, and an extra long Q-Tip crammed from my oblong diamond to my lungs. How was your day?


heather said...

had my first mamogram 2 years ago. fortunately the nurse was female cause i spent the whole time laughing my ass off. there's nothing like swinging the sisters up onto a tiny little clear table for them to get squished flat and photographed to set off my inappropriate laughter switch. :-)

btw, laughing means they have to start over, for some reason they want you to remain still.

wreckless said...

Can't relate physically, but I totally appreciate the opposite sex aversion. I had a vasectomy last year and my male doc shows up with some hottie right out of med school. "This is my assistant, she will be observing for...I didn't catch the rest because I was already thinking -CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing horrid happened, I guess laying spread eagle while some guy pulls the guts from you balls, burns it, ties it and shoves it back in helps, but the hottie still was making it tough. What was she thinking? Size? What?

Julie_Gong said...

My day was pretty similar yesterday since I did the same exact thing. Same trimming. Same pedicure. Same prodding. Same everything.

The only difference for me is that I tend to laugh while all this is going on. I try and think of dead babies but that only reminds me of dead baby jokes and the cycle starts over.

mist1 said...

I like the part where the doctor hands me a box of tissues to clean myself up. I wish she'd invest in some wet wipes.

Killer said...

I'm sorry, I lost my train of thought after you said vagina.

LC said...

Long time reader now, first time commenter. I really enjoy your blog.

I had three mammograms, THREE! on both my boobs last year. It was horrible.

I too never want to be that girl. Having an appointment with the doctor is worst than prepping oneself up for a first date.

I talk about books I am currently reading with my doctor while he's doing his thing down there. It's all very bizarre.

Mel Francis said...

I'm not 40 yet and have now had 2 mammograms. I hate the bastards! Some women claim they don't hurt, but either they're lying, they're kinky and into that kinda thing, or they're high as a kite when they're getting the boob smash.

I actually prefer the male gynos to the female. My very first appt at 18 was with a female and she had long ass fake fingernails and giant rings on. She put her gloves on over the nails and rings. It hurt and I kept imagining she was literally gonna rip me a new one.

If my gyno is thinking "Yay more pussy!" when I'm on the table, then as far as I'm concerned, that's just a bonus. I'm dirty like that.

Killer said...

Thanks for reading. I guess it just takes the right subject matter to get people to speak up.

hellohahanarf said...

i always schedule my annual appointment in october, near halloween, since it is the scariest time of the year. hate that appointment, but i am thankful that others stress the way i do. oh, and i used to babysit for my doc's kids. yep. he's seen everything i have and i had to look him in the face when i was a teenager. mortified. blech.

Liz said...

I think we should write a book about going to the gyno. It's such a unifying experience for women everywhere! And then we should let Killer add "editor's notes" and publish the book with those in red print. I'll bet it would be hilarious.

Great. 363 days until my next doctor's appointment. Ick.

steej71 said...

This reminds me I need to schedule my annual physical. The worst us guys usually have to deal with is getting the finger up our ass. Mine gives me a kleenex after the inspection so I can wipe the KY off. I ought to tell him I pay him good money and he ought to do it for me. I doubt there's a female doctor in the area.

Did Joe ever tell you about the time he had to get a mammogram? It came back negative, but he was scared for a while. He described it as extremely painful and humiliating.