Monday, March 19, 2007

Happy Birthday, Now wipe my ass!

I have to work tonight. It was inevitable that I would be working on my birthday, since I am working everyday.

Here are the ways I plan on celebrating my birthday at work tonight.

1. Smear icing all over the chest of my comatose patient, stick candles on his nipples and then blow them out. Clean him up before the family comes in and presses charges.

2. Treat every gross liquidy poop like it is a fabulous gift. "Mrs. Johnson, you shouldn't have. Look! It's my favorite color. How did you know?"

3. Unwrap wound dressings like birthday presents. "Oooo, the wrapping is exquisite. I'm going to keep the wrapping and use it again. I can't wait to see what it is. (GASP) A bloody stump...with gangrene! This AND the poop, you have done too much."

4. Eat cake and ice cream in front of my diabetic patients. "Mmmmm, this is deliciously sweet."

5. Tell the schizophrenic patient that I am her Son, and it is my birthday. She will cry, hug me and after she sings Happy Birthday, I'll say, "There were a couple of guys in dark suits out front, in a big white van, asking questions about you." When she starts to freak out the rest of the staff will come in and knock her out with Haldol. In a couple of hours, when she wakes back up, I can do it again.

6. Show up for work in my "Birthday Suit".

14 comments:

mist1 said...

Happy birthday. I don't like icing, so number one I think should be ruled out.

Churlita said...

I love messing with crazy people. That's why I give myself shit everyday and I always fall for it. Damn.

Chris said...

Happy B-Day!!! I Almost called u last night while feeding Kade.

I like the idea of you going to work in your birthday suit!!!!

Liz said...

Enjoy your special day, K-Man. I'll be working tonight too. Maybe that's the universal way to celebrate Killer's birthday.

How old are you? 32? 33? You're about to pass me!

othurme said...

I think working on your birthday is the best thing. This will surely prevent another ID episode at Chuck E. Cheese.

Jester said...

You left out the best part of a birthday working at the hospital... all those cool medical supplies you can wrap up for yourself to take home.

A kelly clamp, a case of cotton balls, a nasal speculum and a box of tongue depressors wrapped up in a roll of 4" gauze makes a spectacular gift!

Mel Francis said...

Dude! Hope your day was fantastic, despite the fact you had to work.

Bam said...

I want to be the coma patient.......

Anonymous said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

briliantdonkey said...

Well in the spirit of believing noone should have to work on your birthday I refused to go in. It didn't go over well. Know anyone that is hiring?

BD

apositivepessimist said...

Oh yer gunna have so much fooken fun. Sometimes I'm jealous of the fun you can have with your people. Mine are still at that too alert stage.

Ouuu now yer a nurse send me some tranq stuff will ya. I have the blowgun thingo.

Happy Birthday Killer [and just to make you think I'm being really sincere, I'll add some...!!...points.

Mayren said...

Happy Birthday Killah!
You're my favorite Bloggin Thug.

Seriously though- I hope you find a way to have a good day and find some fun for your Birthday.

*big hugs*

wreckless said...

Happy birthday and #6 is most definitely the way to go. The others are a bit cruel, but #6 would liven everyone's day.

heather said...

killer, so sorry i missed it, stop by for a drink or two!