Sunday, March 18, 2007

Green With Envy

The Parade Perspective From Liz:

You might not know that Jackson, Mississippi has one of the largest St. Patrick's Day parades in the nation. I think that officially we're said to have the fourth largest. This year we may have broken that record because I'm pretty sure that every white person in the state was in attendance and a couple of African American families too. 68 degrees under sunny skies. Take that, Savannah, Georgia!

When you have thousands of people pressed against each other on the sidewalk, pushing and bumping is expected. I tried to start charging people who I felt were molesting me, but it didn't really work out. When I told one guy, "That will be $5, please," he said, "For $5 I'm getting more than a quick brush against!" and I thought, "You know, standing on the street trying to charge people for groping me might be considered prostitution." Although the story would be hilarious I don't know if I want that on my record, so I stopped. I probably haven't told you this but avoiding jail time is one of primary goals for 2007. To get busted for hooking is counterproductive goal maintenance.

When you bring a stroller and your dog to a tightly-packed event, you should be fined. Your child's Cadillac stroller is taking up prime real estate and you don't know where your dog is going to decide to take a dump. My cooler needs a spot on the ground but NOOOOOO- instead your yellow lab is pissing on the fence in the place where my cooler would fit perfectly. Plus, and this is the more serious side of this issue, I would be afraid to bring my dog. There are too many people and your dog is short. Folks are packed tightly together and there is much drinking going on. There are hundreds of floats driving by and every year some person ends up getting run over. In other words, the potential for chaos is great. If your dog could talk, he would cuss you for being such a selfish bastard. He would double cuss you if you dressed him up then drug him out to the parade.

Jackson's sky rocketing ascension to fourth place in St. Patrick's Day festivities is largely due to something called The Sweet Potato Queens. This group of women and one gay man started meeting at a local bar almost 20 years ago and formed a sort of club based in humor and catty comments about people who are not Sweet Potato Queens or of like mind. One of the women wrote a book and BAM! The bar owner started a parade, the Queens marched and Wanna Be's started flocking in from everywhere. These Wanna Be groups from all over the country march in the parade also. Their costumes are great and it's fun to watch people volunteer to exercise in heels. This year I couldn't see anything except for the really big floats but on the trek in we had a great view of all of the marchers and their outlandish get ups. Think of it as the Rocky Horror Picture Show for middle aged white women. Costumes, booze, and throwing shit.

The only problem with this year's outstanding parade was the pee situation. There are not a lot of options for public restrooms. Therefore, two of our more industrious bar owners, who share a parking lot with each other, set up port-a-johns in the lot. Brilliant! They charge $6 per person to get into the lot under the guise of this being where the "after party" takes place. Of course at noon the after party is several hours away, so in essence you're paying $6 to pee. Luckily, the ink they use to stamp your hand as "paid" is easily transferred with a little spit. I peed for free and felt like I had beat the system.

St. Patrick's Day in Jackson is the perfect place to be if you're not Irish but like to drink like you are. So next year, if you're down this way, try to make it to the parade. Come early, stay late, but know that you're not going to be able to get a hotel room anywhere in the city.

But don't let that stop you from coming. You can stay with Killer.


Churlita said...

Is it worth coming if it means maybe getting punched by Killer while he's sleeping and having one of his violent dreams? Is the parade that good?

Killer said...

Yes, the parade is that good. Anytime you can see Liz pass out and get molested by a dog, that's worth getting punched in the neck by me. Plus, I hit like a girl.

heather said...

oh my god!! sweet potato queens! i ~loved, loved, loved~ the book! it was f'n hilarious! gonna go finish reading your post now. :-)

heather said...

lmao! great post liz, maybe i should reserve a hotel room now for next year, i'm not into getting hit while i'm trying to sleep, even if it ~is~ by a guy who hits like a girl!
as for the transfering ink trick, been there done that. lol

Anonymous said...

Loved the pee tatoo scam.
They should get ripped off!

chris said...

The parade was GREAT!!!!! You should do like we did, have a guy arrive early, hold your spot. When you arrive, he can goto the fence with the other males. Of course they did carry the cooler, and did fix the drinks. But most of all we had a good view(by the potties!!!)

othurme said...

I already though that the Rocky Horror Picture Show WAS for middle aged white women.