Thursday, March 08, 2007

Random Ranting

Killer tossing out two totally unrelated stories

At the airport recently, I overheard a conversation mid-flow that finished with a statement which had me confused. "...that's exactly what I was trying to tell my grand babies' mommas the other day." I wanted to follow them to find out if she had one grand baby with two mothers or multiple grand babies from different mothers. I've always been fascinated with the hip vernacular used for illegitimate children. "He my baby daddy", "my baby's momma crazy", "and "I'm having baby momma drama" are some of my favorites. I would love to someday use these, but I'm not getting laid enough to expect a positive outcome.

Last week I admitted an eighty year old guy for "Altered Mental Status" into the ICU with a temperature of 102. The standard treatment for an elevated temp is Tylenol. There are only two ways to take Tylenol. One is the trusted oral route, the second is via the poop shoot. Since a confused eighty year old might be having a stroke, which would effect the swallowing abilities, the latter route was utilized. I gloved, lubed and, removed the suppository from the foil wrapper (an intricate part of suppository application). With a male, lying flat in bed, you can actually use a sly, frontal approach by lifting the balls and sliding the object into the anal cavity (in case you ever need to know). I looked up and said, "all done." He looked at me aghast and replied, "I don't know how you Navy boys do things around here, but in the Army, we don't go around touching each other like that." I really felt guilty. Even if he was confused, I don't want that poor guy thinking I was taking advantage of him. Maybe I should have bought him a drink first.

14 comments:

mist1 said...

How come I never get slipped a Tylenol?

EEK said...

You're one of those sailors that give the navy a bad name. Shame on you.

Churlita said...

I won't ask or won't tell. I promise.

You know, all it takes is once to become a baby daddy, so you don't have to be getting laid all that often to be able to be use the term in your everyday life.

othurme said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
othurme said...

In the army they don't like you to touch their balls, but it seems that sticking something up their ass elicits no argument whatsoever.

heather said...

use the term anyway, it will confuse those who know you enough for you to offer them some tylenol. which will totaly freak them out. ;-)

fringes said...

Soooo...that word illegitimate. Still being used, eh? I prefer the term "sweet girl" or "smart boy" but that's just me trying to live in the 21st century.

Yo' favorite baby mama,
Fringes

Liz said...

Testicles are asshole flaps? Does that make them mudflaps after an especially cheesy Mexican meal?

I'm sorry. I just grossed out. As I do after almost every post you write involving orfices.

othurme said...

Liz - every post he writes is about orifices.

Charapa said...

Hahaha that poor man!!!! I can't imagine having a suppository administered by you......
Even though I don't leave comments, I'm still faithfully reading your stories!!!! Hope you're doing well!!!

Fishdog said...

i'm laughin my ass off over here- you guys have all the fun at work, ya pervs. that second story reminds me of my brother's first turn prepping a guy for surgery... talk about getting to know someone!

i'd dip my balls in that!

Mel Francis said...

For some reason, I can't get the Village People to stop singing "In the Navy" now.

Mayren said...

aww. That almost made me cry.
I get sad when i hear stories of older people. I dunno if i get sad because they don't get enough care from their families or because i'm scared to be one of them someday.

You are a kind soul Killah. *hug*

Jester said...

The old man is just upset because Killer's hands were cold and his fingers are fat.

The least you can do is blow on your hands first.