Thursday, March 29, 2007

Fear the Wrath of My Balls!

There has been much talk here and on other blogs about desired Super Powers. A lot of ideas tossed around for what good could be accomplished and wrongs could be righted. This continued practice is one sided and unfair to the other side of that equation. I want to tell you about my desire to be an Evil Villain.

Evil Villainy seems a lot easier, and has less downsides. No constantly worrying about your loved ones. No fearing people will know your secret identity. No concern for the lives of the innocent bystander. Just simple, unadulterated evil. Just like Grandma used to make.

I don't want any traumatic experience like being scarred by acid or having my family killed by kittens to turn me into an evil, mad genius. I would prefer just to invent an evil contraption and let my internal evil that is bubbling under the surface rise up and take control of my law abiding self.

The device in question is a small cylindrical object which, when thrown against a person's head, will attach itself and allow me to control their thoughts, desires and actions. Maybe it will look like a funny hat, or a toupee, I haven't worked out all the fine details yet.

Now that the source of my evil power is out of the way, I can begin to focus on a much more important issue. My Evil Villain costume. The costume is extremely important, because my identity will be wrapped up in it, and my ability to inspire fear at my mere presence is needed. Take the Riddler from the old campy Batman TV show, he wore a skin tight spandex outfit covered in question marks. Is that frightening? It seemed more like he was portraying sexual ambiguity more than a love of baffling his foes. I don't wish to have similar problems so I have spent a great deal of time on this matter.

I want to start with some simple, black, stain resistant slacks, with double pleats. (the double pleat makes them evil) Add a stylish black V-neck sweater, with my evil chest hair protruding from the top. Toss in a pair of mid-calf leather boots and an athletic cut leather jacket, voila', instant evil genius. It is like the world's most evil Gap Ad. The piece de resistance will be the large soft leather pack that will be suspended from my waist in the front, which will contain my mind control units.

I will be able to easily reach into my sack and rapidly toss my balls at people's heads. They will be mesmerized by my quick speed and ability to fling my balls, with amazing precision, from the sack at my groin level.

Soon, thanks to my magnificent balls, the world will be mine, and everyone who comments on this post will be given a section of the world, of your choosing, in which to rule over with an iron fist. You will just be required to pledge allegiance to me and my balls, but that is a small price to pay for the love, adoration and fear of your royal subjects.

Act fast, you will either honor my balls, or wear them, the choice is yours.


Churlita said...

And then maybe we could make hairy ball flinging an Olympic sport too.

Anonymous said...

Love the pic of Snidley Whiplash-This brings up the question-What will you be known as "Ball Man" That doesn't cut it in my book. Maybe you ought to start a little contest to name your character. My curiousity is piqued.

Mel Francis said...

I pledge allegience, to the balls, of the evil state of Killer... One nation, under balls, with flinging and mind control of all.

mist1 said...

The Mist 1 fears no balls. Balls are too delicate to rule an evil empire. Also, it's really hot and humid here and your balls would just be smelly and sweaty. In the cold regions, no one would be able to find your balls. Perhaps another part of your anatomy should consider taking over the globe.

Natalie said...

Dude evil genius with a fanny pack? not so scary.

Roadchick said...

With that costume and agenda. . .

So, you're going to be the Ron Jeremy of the Evil Villain set?

Balls to the wall, y'all!

heather said...

i'm not greedy so if you could just get me the 90 acres in upstate ny i've been dreaming about i'll be forever in your debt.

dmarks said...

Captain Baalzac!

So, do you have a kid sidekick yet? How about a roster of super-villains, including the evil Castrato and Lady Blueballa?

apositivepessimist said...

ooh appears my approval came just in the nick of time.

so if I'm in yer gang...I will wear yer ball "patch" with honour...fuck that I'll get a tattoo of yer nuts on my forehead. yeaaaah.

laughingattheslut said...

I recently read a funny story about a superhero/villian. Just happened to read it because Laurell K. Hamilton wrote it.

Anyway, it was about this superhero (don't remember the name, but he was sort of like Mr. Clean.) And the guy was suffering from depression, after all of the villians he used to fight had all retired. But he had signed the superhero contract, in which he promised to always be useful and to answer every call.

So, basically, his superpowers were turned into a glorified maid-service. He couldn't take it anymore. He cracked.

After he got his next call, a family of four were turned into a family of skeletons.

He polished them too death.

dmarks said...

That's clean.

I did not see that book. It sounds like it is one of those with a plot, too.