Tuesday, May 29, 2007

blue balls

Liz relays this, but with respect... and a need for verification.

I had a friend recently tell me that when he uses a toilet that has "blue" water in it, he has to hold his balls up or else they get wet and stain his underwear when he pulls it back on. Was he serious? He seemed serious. He said he wasn't proud. I believe his exact phrasing was, "Balls ain't shit." He referred to it as elephantitus of the nads- which I don't think is a medical term, more a method for explaining his condition. There was another guy present that verified his huge nuts. His wife has made reference to the size of his boys as well. But can they REALLY be that huge? To where they fall into the toilet water?
We had a good time talking about how his balls will only continue to droop over time. He may have to switch to briefs when he turns 40 to avoid being arrested, stared at, or called a pervert. But in the meantime, I think these nads are only a freakish inconvenience.
He's a nut anyway, but damn.
Can anyone verify that testicles can hang that low? I mean, it's like 8 inches from the seat of the toilet to the water. His balls have to be hanging at least 10 inches down to get a good soaking. I know they have to cause some sort of optical illusion when he's standing nude and his dangle, average, is hanging in the foreground of a set of Andre the Giant nads. That could, in certain circles, be a disadvantage. Is there any advantage to having enormous testes?
I checked out his crotch to see if there was a giant sack imprint, but he said he always wears baggy pants so you can't tell. His camouflage worked. Nothing appeared to me in 3-D. Not that I wish him any misfortune, but if he can donate those things to science should he pass from this World in an untimely way, I sure would like to know what the medical community has to say about his pair. And it would be extra sweet if they were that neon blue of toilet water when they pulled the sheet off of him.

17 comments:

Jester said...

I call bullshit. Photos are a necessity.

If he were indeed hanging low enough to touch the water, he should be concerned about it whether there is blue water or not... who wants a body part dipped into any toilet water (especially if he's USING it at the time)?

Also unless it's REALLY hot in the bathroom, the sack is going to contract and get shorter. Certainly the cold water of the toilet bowl would cause them to shriek and go climbing back into his body for warmth.

He's just trying to impress you, or get you to ask to see his nads.

Babybull40 said...

I concur with jester.. Pics are required.. he obviously is pulling yer leg...I have never heard such a thing on a guy.. Then agian I don't shre the same anatomy.. so pictures will have to suffice...Does this qualify him for Mooseknuckles?

wreckless said...

No way. There are low hangers but not THAT low. I would invent some extreme rare and bizzare medical condition and present him with it to see what he does.

Killer said...

As a moment to embarass my father...I was informed from my brother in law once that my Dad had told him one day that the one thing he hated most about getting older was that his balls would splash in the water when he sat on the toilet.

I am worried that my genetic code might enable me to test this theory. I suppose I should start providing photographic documentation of the current length vs. future length of my balls.

mist1 said...

It seems to me that if they dipped in the water (blue or not), I'd hold them up. Why is it any worse to have your balls dip in blue water?

Churlita said...

Is there some kind of lifitng and separating surgery they can do for that?

Natalie said...

That is just too bad. I can't imagine balls hanging that low. EEWWW. I prefer nice contracted tight balls.

othurme said...

Actually a nice dip in cool blue water doesn't sound half bad.

laughingattheslut said...

Killer, maybe it's one of those things that you get from your mother's side of the family, like male-pattern baldness.

There could be a business oppurtunity here for someone to make really uncomfortable male undergarments that are worn just to deal with this problem.

steej71 said...

It should come as no surprise that such a thing is possible. If you compare an 80 year old's boobies to the same boobies when they were 20 years old, you'd find the same effect. Ball sacks are of varying sizes and shapes. One wonders, though, if he lets a ball reside in each pants leg as he walks down the street, or if he keeps them together on the same side...

Joe was once in a Chinese grocery store... you know the kind with the narrow aisles. Apparently, they don't have to concern themselves with wheelchair laws. An elderly Chinaman (is that acceptable nomenclature?) was walking toward him, and you know the kind of imposing height Joe has. Anyway, there was no way to gracefully maneuver around Joe. So the old guy looks up at Joe and says "Out of my way, littleballs." How he knew this we have no idea, but Joe was at a loss for words and kindly moved aside.

Empathy said...

A friend of mine (who has some very low hangers) told me when he takes a crap, the eliminated fecal matter displaces the water in the toilet bowl causing it to rise, and inevitably wets his balls. I can't wait to ask him about the toilets with blue water!

Anonymous said...

It's true. Happens to me all the time, especially after a crap with the displaced water as mentioned in another comment. In fact, I googled this topic to see if I was the only person on Earth to whom this happens, and apparently I'm not as I found this and several other instances. Got much worse after I lost a bunch of weight, to the point where I won't sit on the toilet in my office building at all anymore--the tip of my penis even gets a dunk there sometimes.

Anonymous said...

It's the same Anon from the previous comment (a little too embarrassed about admitting this to put my name out there). I forgot to mention that I'm not even 40 and I keep hearing about all these guys in their 70s who have "huge, low-hanging testicle problems" like mine. Can't wait to see what it will be like in 30-odd years, I'll probably have to get a scrotoplasty. BTW, I also accidentally sit on them sometimes, which has the added bonus of actually hurting like hell. Switching to boxer-briefs from regular boxers has helped, though.

Anonymous said...

I have never had to deal with blue water, but I am 22 and experience this event routinely. I try not to go outisde my home for this reason. I also googled this to see if I was the only person on Earth to whom this happens and yet another person relizes they are not.

Ball'a said...

Yup, I have this problem too. Nothing to be proud of. What I do to conquer this is to heighten my toilet seat with shims. It works, and better yet... when guests need to use the toilet I wonder what they think. Nobody ever mentions the 1.5" lift kit I have on my toilet seat, but I know they noticed! BTW, I'm 29 and have experienced this dilemma for about 8 years.

Anonymous said...

My bro mentioned this problem once to me and I thought he was joking. He does have a big wee wee however, and I imagine that his gollywobbles are quite weighty as well.

He's switched to boxer-briefs as well, so I imagine he's experienced a refreshing dip or two.

Anonymous said...

Same problem. Varies by toilet. Some seats are just closer to the water than others. Usually happens some time after sitting down. Must get longer after time elapses. Don't think only about scrotal length, but also how skinny butt/thighs are, and I am definitely skinny. Tired of this happening, and think there should be a code with minimum seat height above the water.