Monday, May 07, 2007

Everyone Knows Me Better Than Me

Killer predictably posts

Everyone has moments when someone else offers a keen insight into your personality. Sometimes it might be a compliment about how nice you are, or a criticism about the way you laugh when old people fall down, and sometimes it can be a supposed compliment used to sneak in a criticism, such as, "You would be quite handsome, if you lost twenty pounds."

Occasionally complete strangers will offer suggestions. Those always seem more honest to me because they should have no reason to protect my feelings. Unless they are criticising me, then I just think the world is full of dicks.

A few days ago, I was apparently sending off a "suggestion box" vibe, because everyone was sharing their opinions of me, ALL DAY LONG.

A strange lady at the gym stopped me and said, "I've been watching you for the last few months, and you are doing great." I've never had a stalker, at least not one this badly obvious, so I did not know how to respond. So, I just said, "Thank you," and put my headphones back on.
- I felt happy she was supporting me, but scared that she was watching me. I always worry my ass crack is hanging out when I am lifting weights.

Driving from the gym to the hospital I was approaching a yellow light. I probably could have squeaked through, but I was thankful for the chance to stop so I could unwrap my power bar without having to steer with my knees. I had been doing leg exercises at the gym, and my thighs were really sore. The guy behind me raced past me in the turn lane and yelled, "Learn to drive, asshole!" He yelled this while pointing at me and running the red light. I made a conscious decision a few years back to not give into road rage anymore, so I just waved and yelled, "Okay, thanks."
- I would like to think he was trying to be supportive of my continuing education, but I think he should have said it a little nicer. He called me an asshole, but I feel sometimes I am, so maybe he knows me.

I arrived at work and there was a patient who was screaming obscenities and spitting on everyone. I was happy that I had been there the night before and worked in the back. Usually we get the same assignment back, and both mine were nice and comatose, just like I like 'em. The charge nurse came over and said, "I moved you up front so you could take this crazy guy. You are always so calm and easy going, I figured you wouldn't mind. Nobody else wants him." I just sighed and said, "From now on, if you are going to screw me, you gotta promise to give me a reach around." She looked confused, so I just walked away.
- A compliment that sugar coated a royal screwing is not really a compliment. So, being a nice guy has bitten me in the ass again. I need that asshole to come out that apparently makes me a bad driver.

As I was leaving the hospital in the morning there was a group of young Girl scouts out front with their troop leader. I was strolling by when the troop leader said, "You look like the kind of guy who could eat a bunch of Girl scout cookies." The group of girls all giggled with delight. My mind was instantly filled with some witty comebacks, mostly centered around pedophilia and cookies, but decided they would be inappropriate for the present audience. So, I just remained calm and responded, "No thanks, they would go straight to my hips," as I walked on to my Jeep.
- One of those "innocent" comments, by a Girl scout leader to boot. This one I found most offensive of them all. She might as well have yelled, "Hey fatty, you know you want these cookies."

I arrived home and locked myself in my room. I could not take anymore unsolicited insight into my fragile psyche.

By the way, the age-inappropriate comment I wanted to fire back at the Troop leader, "I don't really care for any Thin Mints, but I got my eye on that thin redhead to your left." I held back to not scar the kiddies, plus it would have only lead to even more assumptions about my character.


Mayren said...

Killah - you're the best. I love how you take reality and make it approachable. It's just a side perk that it ends up funny.

Churlita said...

Those back-handed "compliments" are the worst. I always wish they would just call me the bad thing they're implying instead of trying to pretend they're being nice...But then I don't have that half-full approach to people like you do.

Babybull40 said...

My mother use to pinch my sides and say something like this" You have lost some weight, but could still lose some more.. have you thought about going on a diet?" I think she is jealous.. She will give backhanded compliments..I don't do the diet thing.. I watch what I eat, just in between each beer.. !!

JLeonard said...

My fellow scrotal bearer in the healing arts, Why is it that folks want to look at us (big guys) and think that we can eat alot? I curse Santa Claus also for perpetrating that jolly ole fat guy stuff. I dont eat alot, im not happy, and yes I cultivate that asshole part of my personality.

heather said...

the girl scout troop leader pisses me off the most. cheeks is in brownies and like both of her parents is a bit overweight so it hits home a bit harder than the rest of them. what kind of message is that woman sending to those girls? fine if it was a one time slip up but if not she needs to get a clue.

Liz said...


You sure are smart. I like the slant you take on the world around you.

And you're funny as hell. And you ARE nice. Usually VERY nice. Sort of gentle with a good humor.

I think you're great. A really great person that I am proud to call my friend.

I mean, great for a fat guy who can't drive worth a damn.


laughingattheslut said...

Okay Killer, I'll give you a compliment.

I've noticed you've used the term reach around a couple of times.

If I understand the term, it's nice to know that a few men are familar with the practice.

Feel better now?

Anonymous said...

LMGMO (my glutteus max)
That was one of the best posts I've read in a long time. I am still chuckling.
I would love to prattle on flattering you and specifying the points in your post that drew such admiration, but kids are comming in the room. My day has started. You and Liz are tagged-BAM two killahs with one stone.

Deezee said...

all way too funny...

Killer said...

I was getting worried about all the sap in your comment. I was going to have someone come to your house and check to see if you had been kidnapped and someone was posing as you, but you pulled it out in the end.

mist1 said...

I always worry that my a$$crack isn't hanging out. My visible crack is a fundamental component in my wardrobe.