Friday, May 04, 2007

Who Says Alzheimer's Isn't Funny?

Killer, abusing the mental status of the elderly for personal enjoyment.

Last night I admitted an 84 year old man with Alzheimer's. He had the typical Alzheimer's reaction to a new environment, confusion and agitation. This is always an adventure, he would either be very difficult to contain, or a barrel of laughs. Luckily he had no legs, so at least he wasn't getting out of bed.

The conversation started on a violent tip.

Old Man: "I killed a lot of you Krauts in 'Dubya Dubya 2'."
Me: "I'm no Nazi, I am an American!"
Old Man: "Prove it."
Me: "How do I prove it?"
Old Man: "Who won the World Series?"
-oof, tough one. I hate baseball, so I had no idea who won, so I decided to hedge my bets.
Me: "The Yankees."
Old Man: With a Smile, "Good, you're a Joe. Help me get out of here."
Me: "You're in the hospital, I am here to help you get better, not escape."
Old Man: Smile Fading, "Look buddy, I got twenty bucks in my pants, and I'll give you half if you get me out of here."
Me: "Ten bucks is a lot of dough, but I want to make sure you would live long enough to spend your half."
Old Man: "Don't worry about me, I made it through 'Dubya Dubya 2' and Korea. Nothings going to stop me."
-now the phlebotomist walked to draw some labs, she was filipino.
Old Man: "Look there, a Korean."
Me: "No, she's Filipino, they were on our side in Dubya Dubya 2."
Old Man: "You sure she ain't Korean?"
Me: "I'm pretty sure, but you could test her."
Old Man: "Who won the World Series?"
Me: "She's not American, she's Filipino."
Old Man: "What is the largest city in the Philippines?"
Filipino Phlebotomist: "St. Louis won the World Series, and Manilla is the largest city in the Philippines."
Old Man: "Good job. If you was Korean, I could have killed you with a drinking straw."
-the filipino nurse took a step back.
Me: "Don't worry, he doesn't even have a drinking straw."

About an hour later he was still questioning everyone who came into the room. I don't think he ever got the same answer twice on who won the World Series, and he never killed anyone, but he was convinced that I was going to bust him out for ten bucks. I convinced him to go to sleep, by promising we would make a run for it in the morning.

As I was about to leave in the morning, he saw me and yelled, "Hey Joe, don't forget our deal."
I stuck my head in his room and said, "You sit tight, I'm gonna pull the car around. If I'm not back in thirty minutes, they caught me, and you better start making new plans."

I started to walk out he added in a loud whisper, "Joe, if you get caught don't you go ratting me out." I gave him a serious look, "Never man, Never. I'm like a steel trap."

I have to go back to work tonight and I bet he is going to be pissed. Either I ditched him, or I got caught and squealed. My only hope is that the Alzheimer's kicked in and he forgot the whole plot. If that is the case, I think tonight I will be a German. I would like to see how that scenario plays out.


hellohahanarf said...

if you play kraut, we simply must know how that converstaion goes.

that is if you make it out of there alive. dude might have convinced someone to give him a straw with his apple juice.

gatey can't remember login information said...

I love it. So...see you at the White Stripes, right?

Churlita said...

Thank god he has Alzheimer's. I bet he doesn't remember a thing. next time, you should make up a pretend baseball team and see if he notices.

Anonymous said...

I would absolutely love your job if it wasn't for the ass wiping. Great post!!!!!!!!

Babybull40 said...

funny and yet still endearing.. great post..

Anonymous said...

Wha...? you're going to the white stripes? I am now very envious. Not jealous, just a little green.

dmarks said...

"Dubya Dubya 2" sounds like the name of the President in the year 2070. You know, the guy who served for half a term after Chelsea Clinton-Obama finally left office.

And beware of drinking straws.

Natalie said...

Dude that is incredibly funny. I hope he doesn't remember you. You never know how things will go with alzheimer's

Roadchick said...

You need to go in acting like Sgt. Schultz from Hogan's Heroes.

Just keep telling him:

I know NOTHhink!

Be glad he has no legs. A sundowner can seriously kick the hell out of you.

laughingattheslut said...

Do you like take a class to deal with that sort of thing or what?

You have to write tomorrow and tell us what happens.

I met a lady at work who was so far gone that she did not know who her husband was and she didn't recognize her own reflection either.

Liz said...

See if you can get any secrets out of him. I'll bet he knows who assinated Kennedy.

chris said...

Too bad my patients don't talk. But they also can not get out of bed. So I don't know who has it better.

Liz said...

I typed "assinated". I totally have a new word to use at the office. EXAMPLE:

That idea was good, until Biff came over and assinated it with this trademark lameness.

apositivepessimist said...

all I can say is...fuck I laughed and laughed at this. too funny.