Friday, May 18, 2007

Screw The Whales!

Killer says, “its okay to love God’s creatures, just don’t LOVE God’s creatures.”

Okay, I work a lot, so I don’t know if this is national news, or maybe just some local story. I only get to see the news when I am in a patient’s room, usually putting things up their ass, cleaning up their ass, or occasionally, blaming them for the smell coming from my ass. So you might have not heard about this, and if you have, you can’t imagine how much the local news is pushing this story.

Apparently a couple of stupid whales have managed to swim away from the comfort of the ocean, up many, many miles of rivers, and are currently being terrified by the media while enjoying a vacation in the Sacramento River.

If you take a quick glance at any U.S. map, you can see Sacramento is not near the ocean. It could be they started down the river for a quick peek, and the next thing they knew, they were lost. Fresh water fish are notorious for being dicks, and they probably would not tell the stupid whales which way to go. Now they are in Sacramento, hundreds of miles from the ocean, and the whole city of Sacramento is whale crazy.

It is not that I don’t like the whales. Hell, I rooted for Moby Dick to beat Ahab just like everyone else, but sometimes you got to let natural selection take it’s course. If a whale is too stupid to stay in the ocean, it should not be allowed to reproduce and create a super breed of really stupid giant creatures. In a few generations these whales could be clogging up every river and tributary throughout the country. Shoot, you might wake up sometime and find a big, stupid whale in your swimming pool. You don’t know how he got there and neither does he, but it really makes it hard to swim laps with a whale in there.

Ass loads of money are being spent by the government to try and “herd” these creatures back out to the ocean. Helicopters are constantly flying overhead to keep track of them, boats are surrounding them, and all these whales do are swim in confused circles, wondering why the water tastes funny.

Hundreds of locals crowd the shores watching the spectacle. So much people are around that the local police department is paying officers overtime to keep the gawkers contained, because there is fear that one or more might try to swim out to the whales. Again, natural selection needs to handle this. Stupid people should be killed by stupid whales. It’s poetic, and if Darwin hadn’t been a Godless pagan, he could look down on the whole thing and smile.

I am not a heartless bastard. I don’t want them to die. I just don’t want them to live much longer. Every time the news spends fifteen minutes on “Whale Watch 2007”, I just know there is a water skiing squirrel out there missing it’s fifteen minutes of fame.


Babybull40 said...

recently some guy was trying to help a misguided or stupid whale.. and his boat was overturned and he was killed.. natural selection indeed.. the whale was saved and not the man...As Forest Gump use to say "Stupid is as stupid does."

Julie_Gong said...

water skiing squirrels are the spawn of satan.

lauren said...

i'm a fan who comes to you from julie_gong's blog and lives in sacramento...

if you are sick of the whales, let me tell you be glad you are not here. for the last 3 days the whales have been to topic of the WHOLE NEWSCAST on EVERY STATION. They will also break into regularly scheduled programming (GMA, American Idol) to update us on the whales.

I love whales, but I'm learning to hate these ones. You can't tell me there is no other newsworthy news besides these whales.

On the other side, I don't hate your blog like I hate these stupid whales. Thanks!

dmarks said...

I've done whale-watching at Tofino. There is a best-selling book called "The Swarm" in which the Tofino whales all turn killer. This will be a movie in a year or to. I can't recall a movie in which whales are the villians, other than legacy stuff (Moby and Pinnochlio) and "Orca".

Anonymous said...

I would like to apply your reasoning to humans as well-Let the dumb ones die instead of wasting millions on programs.
What do you think?

heather said...

oh dear, god help me but i'm with you on this one. lol

Babybull40 said...

You've been tagged.. this a fun meme..