Thursday, May 24, 2007

Fellas, Our Days Are Numbered

Killer fears the worst.

This story, Hammer Head Shark Gives Virgin Birth, could mean the downfall of men in our society. I believe women have been trying to get rid of us for thousands of years, and the only reason we got to stick around was our ability to make sperm, and our proficiency for spewing it everywhere in under 2.5 minutes.

Now, this damn shark provides proof that females can make babies without us there to sweat, grunt and fart around the house. If a shark can pull this off, how long do you think it will take a human female to figure it out?

Sure they might seem docile and weaker compared to men, but that is just a clever ruse on their part. They have been luring us into a heightened sense of security until they could think of a way around the whole propagating the species issue. That time has come, and brothers, I got to tell you, I feel nervous.

I usually fit the stereotypical male image. I give furtive glances at cleavage, I enjoy the image of cheerleaders, and if there is a "milkshake that can bring all the boys to the yard", I will be in that yard. So, I don't think there is any hope that, when the mass elimination of the male species is begun, I will be spared.

Wake up people. Why would the ladies want to keep us around if they can make babies without us? It can't be for the sparkling conversation. I'm sure they can figure out all the other manly skill sets; automotive repair, fire suppression, spider squishing, etc. After those are mastered, there doesn't seem to be any real purpose for us that can't be filled with a couple of D batteries or a shower head.

I'm really nervous. I want to think they would keep me around, maybe for scientific purposes, or in a natural history museum, but at first glance, I look like a really manly man, and I think that could be my downfall. When the great mobs of combat ready women take to the streets to wipe us out, they are not going to take the time to get to know me before they open fire.

I'm desperate for suggestions. I have a good bit of female readers, so if any of you can help, please tell me what to do to keep from getting snuffed out with the rest of the penis mongers. The next time you gals get together for a big female conference, put in a good word for me. I am willing to do whatever I have to in order to survive, and I promise not to make anymore snide remarks about PMS.

I can live in a zoo. I have often thought that would be a good life; sitting around all day, getting fed. I would even do a performance show like the seals. How about letting me stick around as a back up for the females that can't self-reproduce. Please! I am a really useful person.

I do actually have some devious motives as well. There have been several females in my life who said, "I would not have sex with you, even if you were the last guy on Earth. I would love to test that theory. It would probably be true, but I want to find out for sure.


laughingattheslut said...

I'm sorry Killer, but there's quite a long list of guys I wouldn't have sex with. And, even if you were the last man on Earth, you'd probably still be on that list.

So, are you okay living in that zoo if we keep you around for other reasons? How are you at auto repair and spider squishing? Do you have other manly skills such as getting things off of the top shelf? For the record, drinking beer does not count as a manly skill. I don't care to watch the activity myself, and those who do can just watch Liz.

I think you need to work on that sparkling conversation bit. Learn a few things to talk about with women. Nothing too fancy to start with. Maybe you should start watching chick flicks. Rent Steel Magnolias this weekend.

And just in case I get a vote at the big female conference, when are you going to come and fix my car?

Babybull40 said...

Seeing as I'm already married I figure if he goes first, and you were the last guy on Earth, I wouldn't want sex. I would want things done around here that he wasted time not doing.. So you would be a valuable source for that..I have a long list here ready .. so when you are the last man on Earth.. I will be calling

Churlita said...

I can squish my own spiders, but I do love a man who's handy around the house and who can fix my car. You also better make sure you're funny. the guys who make us laugh will always be kept around.

Babybull40 said...

Churlita: yes they are good for a few laughs every so often..

laughingattheslut said...

I wonder if Killer has seen The Martian Chronicles?

heather said...

the point girls is not ~can~ we do it, but do we ~want~ to do it? yes, i can figure out how to fix the car myself. it'll will take a while but i am capable of doing so. however i don't want to.

so with that in mind killer, just tattoo 'willing slave' on your forhead. when the feminists release the bull dykes, they will know to spare you. just remember. the first time you disobey you will lose your nuts. the second, you die.


Natalie said...

It isn't a matter of time, it is a matter of legality and a little science. It seems totally possible theoretically that you could take the DNA from one egg and use it to fertilize another egg and produce a female child. All men are really needed for in this day and age are male children. Oh and some of us like doin it with them.