Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Two Ply, Double Quilted, With Aloe!

Killer ranting about what he loves.

An intense debate broke out at work last night. It began when one person said, "It's the greatest thing since sliced bread." I don't even know what the comment was made about, but that statement seems to sell short so many good discoveries. I encouraged my coworkers to share what they thought the greatest invention has been.

There were the typical, electricity, computers, the wonder bra, etc. One person even suggested American Idol. I had to be physically restrained and then sedated. When I finally came to I told that son of a bitch he should thank the heavens someone invented Haldol, because that drug just saved his life.

Once all the excitement died down, and I could stand up straight, I got on my soap box and informed the staff what I believe the greatest invention in human history was: Toilet Paper.

In cave man days they would have had to use sticks or rocks to wipe themselves. That is probably the origin of the phrase, "Pull that stick out of your ass." It must have been very frustrating to live in an age where the most advanced tool you could have was a rock, and it was increasingly difficult to find one not covered in poop.

Jump ahead a few million years and they had only advanced as far as using an old corn cob. Ouch! It would have been a thorough cleaning, but man, talk about murder on the hemorrhoids. I think I would prefer to walk around with a stinky ass.

In Asian countries the toilets have a spray hose attached at the side. That might seem luxurious, but to the uninitiated it can be a hazardous venture. I had several weeks of either shooting cold water up the back of my shirt, or giving myself a two gallon enema, and then you have to walk around with a cold, wet crotch. Actually it was so hot over there, that part was kind of nice.

It is my firm belief that toilet paper must have been a gift from heaven. I'm a simple man, all I want is cold beer and supple, delicate paper to clean my tuckus. For a product so simplistic and perfect it would seem impossible to improve upon it, but they have never ceased to make wiping one's ass a greater experience. Softer, two ply, quilted, a touch of aloe, it seems to know no bounds. I am dreaming of the day when a special robot comes with each roll to actually do the dirty work.

Penicillin was the greatest invention? Please! Try wiping your ass with Penicillin. Yeah, I thought so.

What do you think is man's greatest accomplishment?


Babybull40 said...

Hmm.. I too think toilet paper is a miracle in itself... I'm not one for pulling sticks or rocks out of my ass.. ouchie...
But I think email was another great invention..If someone sends you a card or letter, you have to open it.. Even if you don't like the person.. Then possibly reply.. or R.S.V.P them.. whatever.. so email is like this...I can delete what I don't want to read.. If its funny enough I can copy and paste it or forward it if it's really good and then I don't have to get paper cuts and buy bandaids and stamps.. I really don't need any of that.

Babybull40 said...

And I don't have to lick the friggin envelope.. yuck!

Liz said...

Vodka and asprin. In that order.

Courtney said...

Anesthesia. Hands down.
TiVo is a close second.

othurme said...

To add some specifics to Courtney's first answer. One word. Instilligel .

For those guys lucky enough to either have a catheter jammed in you while you're awake or to suffer the displeasure of a Cystoscopy.

It won't make you happy, but upon realizing the alternative of going without it, you will be thankful.

laughingattheslut said...

ET thought the best human invention was the soda straw. I'm rather fond of those myself, but it probably isn't the best.

Whoever made it possible to get Alieve and yeast infection medication without a prescription should get a medal. Now if they could just do the same for something that actually cures UTIs, that would be great. But making those things available over the counter doesn't really count as an invention.

I want someone to invent that computer chip that was implanted in Spike's brain (Buffy the Vampire Slayer). I've got all kinds of things to program into it.

I'm rather fond of the printed word, even if I don't wipe my ass with it.

Toilet paper was something that should have been invented a long time ago, but didn't really become popular until after indoor plumbing. Then toilet paper because a sort of status symbol. If you were buying toilet paper, then you probably had an indoor WC.