Friday, May 11, 2007

No One Puts Killer in the Corner

Killer lashes out at authority

My theme for this week seems to be everyone telling me what is wrong with me. It appreciate their concerns, but it's too late to fix me now. I'm definitely in a love me or leave state of mind.

Last night I had a deep discussion with a friend at work about the "inappropriateness" of some of my comments, especially around new people. I tried to tell her it is only for laughs, but she said if someone doesn't know me, they might think I am serious.

I'll let you decide.

We were admitting a new patient from the ER. The patient was a middle aged woman who was on a ventilator and heavily sedated. It was going to be the patient of my friend and her new graduate orientee. The new grad was nervous about working with a "comatose" patient. I told her comatose patients are the best because they always stay where you put them. I then added that I wish more people in my life could be comatose. The sentence that got me into trouble was this one, "I think a comatose patient makes the best girlfriend. She is always available for sex, and she will never ask me to take out the trash."

My friend sent the new grad out of the room on some pointless errand, so she could reprimand me. "You shouldn't say things like that around the new people." I replied, "Why not, she laughed." She looked at me sternly and retorted, "She laughed out of courtesy, she might think you are serious." "She's not retarded," said I, "She doesn't think I have a comatose girlfriend in my apartment that I am having crazy coma sex with." She continued the stern demeanor, "I just don't want her getting the wrong idea." I gave in, "Okay, I'll be 100% serious from now on." She appeared pleased with herself, and said, "Just around the new people. Once they get used to the sense of humor around here, then you can open back up."

The new grad returned. My friend asked her if she had inventoried the patient's belongings. The new grad said she didn't know how. She handed her a sheet of paper and said, "You take their belongings and write down every thing on here, if there are any valuables, either send them home with the family, or send them to security." In a serious tone, I added, "Unless there is any cash. We split the cash between the three of us." The new grad seemed stunned, "Really?" Seeing her gullibility, I continued, "Oh yeah, that is how I afford to keep my comatose girlfriend alive, and well lubricated."

My friend started saying something, but I was already walking out of the room. She ain't the boss of me.

8 comments:

dmarks said...

I guess the worst situation would be that if an awake patient was in earshot of any of this, and somehow you did not know about it. That could turn out bad.

laughingattheslut said...

Do the comatose patients always stay where you put them? Don't the hospital beds have wheels?


My husband was always saying something stupid that I assumed was a joke. Turns out some of it was for real.

Maybe Liz knows if you have a comatose girlfriend.

fringes said...

You. Are. Obviously. Joking.

For God's sake...

Liz said...

I hope you're watching Scrubs.

heather said...

oh that's hilarious! good job there killer. you might as well just let the newbies know right at the start what they're in for. that way if they can't take it they can leave before you waste your time with them.

othurme said...

I don't think it's physically possible to put Killer in a corner. Basic geometry tells us we can get him close, just not absolutely all the way.

Babybull40 said...

That's a good one..When I was a Health Care Aide or what is called A PSW now I recall some residents that if they were comatose they wouldn't argue back..or if they had Dementia..

hellohahanarf said...

hell yes you should let the newbiew know right away what they are in for. otherwise you go through that whole training process before they run away screaming. i'd rather let them know immediately what they are in for and that they had better fit in.

"she ain't the boss of me" made my monday morning. thanks!