Thursday, May 17, 2007

Southern Style

One of our longest supporters, Othurme, is contemplating an excursion away from the Left Coast and visiting the South. I am not sure if it is for research purposes or maybe he is just a thrill seeker, but either way, I support this journey.

Liz and I both were born and raised in the South, Mississippi to be exact. When people talk about the “Deep South” that is us. I don’t really fit the Southern mold, but I have caught catfish with a cane pole, I’ve been cow tipping, and I even had a crush on my cousin. So in the nature vs. nurture debate, I might be screwed.

Othurme is visiting Hilton Head, South Carolina. I’ve never been there, but I am sure it is nice. They are sure to have many stereotypical Southern activities for all the tourists to enjoy. I am going to give a list of all the things that are must do’s in the South. I will also include a list of what not to do as well. I’d hate for Othurme to go and get himself lynched while on vacation. Everyone is welcome to print this up, laminate it and put it in your car, just in case you ever take a wrong turn and cross the Mason Dixon line.

Things to DO in the South:

1. Go to a Waffle House.

Nobody cooks better artery clogging, fat inducing food like these guys. It’s a Southern institution that might very well have been a Yankee strategy to kill us off, similar to the CIA introducing crack in the inner cities.

2. Get you GED.
It doesn’t really matter if you already graduated from High School or actually have your PhD in Particle Physics; this is a Southern tradition that gives cause for many families to beam with pride when one of their own achieves this milestone. Go ahead, I bet you will feel some Southern pride when you open your mail box back home, two weeks later, and grab the document that allows Southerners to be eligible for Wal Mart employment.

3. Eat something pickled.
To really appreciate this you need to visit a small, “Mom and Pop” gas station in the back woods. It’s easy to spot what is pickled; there should be a collection of jars on a counter filled with a hazy pink fluid and some mysterious floating objects. It is one of those floating objects that you seek. Common objects pickled: (listed in order of popularity) Pickled Eggs, Pickled Sausage, Pickled Pigs Feet, Pickled Pork Rinds, and Pickled Pig Lips. I don’t know exactly what the pig did so long ago to deserve this pickling treatment, but I bet he regrets it.

4. Think you are better than someone else.
This is a true Southern past time. You can base this sense of superiority on race, sex, religion, money, NASCAR preferences, the list can go on forever. Just remember that since your laminated advice card was invented by me, I am better than you.

5. Kill a lower life form.
Other states may say they hunt, but not like the South. Men hunt, Women hunt, and little kids hunt. I had friends that would show up to school after having spent the previous four hours sitting in a cold, rainy field hoping to kill something. I went to nursing school with a female who, on the weekends, would go into the woods with her friends hunting rabbits, but with only a spot light and a golf club. That is a true Southern woman.

Things NOT to do in the South:

1. Bad Mouth George W. Bush.
I mentioned before, that I spent a short time working in Tupelo, MS. Nothing got me into more trouble than my dislike for Dubya. Sure the war may be going bad, the politicians are getting caught in scandals, and the First Amendment is being raped, but Dubya is a good Southern Christian, and that is all they need to know.

2. Laugh at a Mullet.
You thought the Mullet hair style died in the eighties? You believed only butch lesbians and Joe Dirt would wear their hair like that, well you were wrong. The lady ringing up your RC Cola and Moon Pie at the Piggly Wiggly will not know what you are laughing at, and if you call her a lesbian, she and her fifteen kids, that are probably loitering out front, will chase you down and give you a good Southern ass whoopin’.

3. Have sex with your cousin
Once you cross the Mason Dixon line and enter the South, one of the first things you will feel is a stirring in your loins when you think of an attractive relative. I don’t know why, but it’s true. It could be something in the air, the water, or maybe it is a strange gravitational anomaly that is attracting Southerners to their own relatives. No matter what the cause, fight this urge. When you get back home, it will be very awkward, especially, if said cousin later gives birth to a three eyed baby.

4. Exercise.
To a true Southerner this is such a rare occurrence it will make you stand out like a sore thumb. If you go jogging down the street, for example, you will most likely cause mass hysteria because everyone is going to assume something really bad is chasing you. Maybe you are being chased by a herd of stampeding cattle, or possibly a pack of crazed, homosexual liberals has migrated down from up North. They won’t know and are unwilling to stick around to find out.

As you can see there are many cultural differences between the Southern states and the rest of the country, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t visit. Just get all your immunizations, put on some overalls, and come on down. With this handy guide you should fit right in. I wouldn’t mention you are an outsider though. It is about to be tourist season, and in the South that means they can hunt tourists.


heather said...

you forgot to mention 'don't speak'. i did fine down south till people heard me speak. then i got the whole 'are you a yankee or a damn yankee? good. you're just a yankee. when you going home?'

Babybull40 said...

Interesting list you came up with.. Since you are from the "South". I would confused the shit of Southerners.. I'm a crazt canuck and they wouldn't be able to figure out where I'm from... But I could giv'em all a lesson in canuckism...Eh?

hellohahanarf said...

hilton head really isn't like visiting the south. because in the south? y'll are crazy.

(but i love it!)

Roadchick said...

Waffle House.

There is nothing better in the whole world at 4 am after drinking all night.


laughingattheslut said...

A few additions and such:

Depending on which Waffle House you go to, you might need a gas mask. This seems to be where everyone who has nothing better to do goes to have a cup of coffee and a cigerette.

As for killing a lower life form, since you'll be near the ocean you might look into a fishing trip. It sounds much more respectable than killing Bambi's mom.

While in the south you are supposed to eat pecan pie, banana pudding, and BBQ, but I don't know if SC is really the place to do that. Also, you are supposed to eat fried catfish, but again since you'll be near the ocean you'll probably get some other kind of fish.

I know plenty of people who could make an Olympic sport of bad-mouthing Dubya, but until you know who you are dealing with, silence is probably best. Just listen and nod and maybe grunt once in a while.

And it is not true that we don't exercise. Exercise mainly comes in two forms: cutting grass and washing cars. But if you see someone running, check to see if killer bees are chasing him. This often happens due to the grass cutting.

Also, if you see someone selling little stickers with numbers on them and don't understand, it might have something to do with race cars. NASCAR, I think. Anyway, people will buy these stickers with their favorite driver's number and put the stickers on their own cars and on the doors of their restauants or bars and on their cash registers. There is no name or writing or anything else to explain, just the number. The fan is so in love with this race car driver and believes that everyone else is too, so no explanation is neccesary. You're just supoposed to recognize the number and smile.

Hope that helps. Enjoy your trip.

heather said...

forgot to mention, we have waffle house(s) up here too. i never thought of them as southern though, just old fashioned diner food with an emphasis on some pretty good waffles.

mist1 said...

There is no mention of sweat tea. I am beginning to doubt your authenticity. I'll have to ask to see your Confederate flag collection to verify your Southerness.

Courtney said...

As a fellow Southerner, I feel your pain. I was born and raised in the South, but have often felt that I don't fit the Southern mold, either. Waffle House is awesome, though.

Do: Buy a sticker for your car that looks like the number 3 with wings on it. This is meant to memorialize Dale Earnhardt, the dearly departed King of Rednecks.

Don't: Badmouth the popular football team in whatever Southern state you happen to be in. Not liking the University of Georgia has almost gotten me beaten up a few times, and I'm a girl.

laughingattheslut said...

I hate tea. And I'm from Texas and I hate Dr. Pepper too.

Dr. Pepper made with sugar is called a Dublin Dr. Pepper. Except that the Dublin line is for those really old returnable bottles. So if you're having a Dublin Dr. Pepper it was probably bottled or maybe canned in Temple using the Dublin recipe.

dmarks said...

I've only seen Waffle Huts from across the street or whatever, and every time they look like nothing other than a dirty-yellow box of smoke.

The kind of place where, whatever kind of syrup you put on the pancakes, they taste like nothing other than Camel cigarettes due to the thick smoke in the air.

dmarks said...

And those NASCAR stickers like that appear to be all over the country. I see them all the time.

Natalie said...

I flew out of Hilton Head after leaving St. Helena Island where I was taking a cultural tour of the Gullah nation. It was an eye opening and educational experience. Loved it. What awesome history. I also went to a waffle house and had some delicious waffles and stopped at a Sonic to get some sweet tea. As a northern person, it was a very strange experience.

Churlita said...

The South must be just like Iowa and just replace waffle houses with loose meat sandwich joints.

JLeonard said...

hey Killer read my post from Aug of 2004. This is My South.

fringes said...

Waffle House needs a better dental plan for its employees.