Thursday, December 21, 2006

All I want for Christmas is my extra sharp teeth

Killer types one handed.

Scenario: Me, innocent, loving nurse, working in ICU. ER calls with an admission. 83 yr old female from a nursing home with Pneumonia (the usual). She has a history of Alzheimer's, but is pleasantly confused.

They wheel in this short, plump, cherubic looking lady who is confused as hell. She thinks she is at home in Seattle and it is 1955. I'm fine with that. She can think she is on Mars, as long as she stays in bed.

She immediately starts asking for her teeth. Apparently the ER took them out, and put them in a security box. I tried to convince her that we can get them back in the morning, but she insists that she can not sleep without them. All I want is for her to be happy and sleep, so I can go back to reading my book. I go to the ER and retrieve her teeth.

I hand this smiling, pleasant angel her dentures and she quickly pops them into her mouth. She smiles real big, takes my hand into hers, says, "Thank you sweetie," as she pulls my hand up towards her face. I wonder, "is she going to kiss my hand? This is like the Godfather."

She bites the ever loving shit out of me.

"Now get the hell out of my house!" She screams. All the images of angels and sweet old ladies is instantly replaced with this devil with her face contorted into a picture of pure evil. "Next time I bite you'll pull back a stump. Get out of my house!"

I grab the free Gideon bible out of the side table and make the sign of the cross as I back out of the room in a hasty retreat.

Two hours later she has stopped yelling for the police and is asleep with her deceptively strong mouth gaping open. I sneak into her room with a pair of forceps and a tongue depressor and deftly pry the deadly dentures from her stinky gums and deposit them safely into a denture cup with the words, "do NOT give to patient until discharge" emblazoned across the top.

As I sat outside the room, rubbing my tender hand, I received a phone call from the ER nurse. All she said was, "Did she bite you yet?"

I quietly tiptoed into the room and peeled my warning label off the denture cup. There is one important rule that is applied to all tomfoolery: Don't be the last fool.

9 comments:

Slick said...

Aww man, hilarious! Thanks for sharing....and I'm in agreement, let others fall victim to the shananigans that you fell for. :)

Churlita said...

hey, it's only fair. Way to spread the Christmas cheer...er, or whatever.

mist1 said...

Get a pair of gold fronts with fangs. It'll run you close to $900, according to Flava Flav.

Burg said...

Deny her the pudding old folks love so much.... That'll teach her to bite!

Margaret said...

i CAN'T WAIT TO BE A BITING OLD LADY!!!

Liz said...

I hope it wasn't your blogging hand that got bitten because I am NOT taking up your slack like I did when you went jaunting around the world!

Did you think to get vacinated after this episode? I hear old women carry all sort of diseases... like the Clap and stuff.

mffishdog said...

that's right liz. the clap is pretty bad, but the stuff is what could kill you.

wreckless said...

Wow, that is a great story. I never have heard the one about being the last fool, but I will be sure to use it. Hope your hand is healing well.

fringes said...

Too funny. I love that you removed the label. Old lady holiday cheer for everybody, right? You can really tell a story, Killer.