Monday, December 18, 2006

No Shirts, No Shoes, No Blog

Killer lays out the new policies.

After taking a quick inventory around here I have decided that it is time to class this place up a bit. I feel this is the moment for Killer Rants to stop catering to the meager Masses and start providing a higher quality of product. I want to shoot for an uppity boutique of a blog. No more free blogging for you free loaders. From now on, Killer Rants is all about the profit.

Sure we might lose a few of the poorer, less cultured, readers, but the cream will rise to the top and discover the reality of the American mentality. If it is more expensive it HAS to be better. We shall become a status symbol, like a Mercedes or a newly adopted African Baby..

I have nothing against the current readership, but I feel our image would improve if you guys would try a little harder. No more sitting around in your underwear as you read this blog. From now on we are implementing a strict dress code. Business attire is expected at all times, except on Fridays which will be "Hawaiian shirt Friday". Wear your favorite Hawaiian themed garment. This is to show we still like to have fun here at Killer Rants.

I haven't really hammered out all the details yet about the billing and payment process, so for now we will have to rely on the honor system. I want everyone to follow these easy steps.
Get a large jar of bucket, tape/write "Killer Rants Fund" on the side and place it next to your computer. Every time you visit the site place one quarter in the bucket. If you read something that makes you smile, laugh, or just contemplate life differently, put an extra quarter in the bucket. If you don't like or agree with what has been posted, write down your concerns on a small piece of paper and place that in the bucket. DO NOT REMOVE MONEY FROM THE BUCKET! All sales are final, no refunds are offered or given. At the end of each quarterly cycle, please take all the money from the bucket and mail it to me, Killer, President and CEO of Killer Rants.
Take all of those pieces of paper with concerns, comments and criticisms and mail them to Liz, Vice President of Customer Relations.

Together we can make this transition smooth and successful. I'm positive that as time passes you will see how this new program can greatly benefit me, and to a lesser extent Liz, and to an even lesser extent you as well.

Thanks for reading, please put at least one quarter in the bucket.

Killer
President/CEO
Killer Rants Industries

7 comments:

Jester said...

I'll put something in the bucket, alright, but it won't be a quarter.

Mel Francis said...

I can't afford a bucket.

mist1 said...

Dear Mr. Killer,

Please accept this comment as my request for a pay raise so that I can afford to buy clothes to wear while reading this blog.

Thank you in advance.

Sincerely,

Mist 1

Fishdog said...

so, if we don't have a hawaiian shirt, we can't read killer rants on friday? i aways thought friday was tie day, anyway.

and does this new policy affect the authors? i don't know if i can bear the image of you in a polo and khakis, slaving away at the keyboard.

othurme said...

If it turns in to Playboy Bunny Leotard Tuesday, I'm outta here.

I don't think I can go through that again.

Fringes said...

Dang. I couldn't stop laughing. That's at least a dollar in the jar. I happen to be dressed, but that's highly unusual. Truthfully? I like your idea way better than that adsense nonsense effing up the feng shui of the blogosphere. I'll mail the jar, recipient's postage, once it's full.

Mayren said...

Killer & Liz:

Where do I sign up for that "Class" you were talking about? I went to the bookstore of my local school and bought all the supplies you asked for but when I met with my counselor had no idea where Rantocracy 101 was meeting. After I explained the course outline you gave she wants to sign up for it as well.
Please advise on where the "Class" will be held as soon as possible.

-Mayren

*drops her new IOU in the bucket - watching the IOUs filling up*