Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Dissension in the Ranks

The following is an open letter from my work shoes.

Dear Killer,

I have been elected from your shoe supply to bring to your attention some concerns and complaints we have. We would like to offer an opportunity for open, amiable dialogue before more drastic measures are needed.

It is often believed that, as shoes, we are empty objects willing to accept any foot you decide to cram in, but that is very wrong. We have feelings, desires, and most important, a sense of smell.

This brings us to the point of our discussion. Your feet stink. Sure, in a grand sense all feet stink, but yours have become repugnant. Believe me, you would not like it if someone came along and shoved a large, sweaty, malodorous appendage into an orifice of yours.

Another issue is you not wearing socks. You have hair on your toes, I didn't even know that was possible. Even thinking about it right now makes me want to puke up my shoe liner.
A think cotton layer shouldn't be too much to ask for. The preference would be for a thick rubber foot condom, but when someone is cramming a crusty, smelly flab of meat against your tongue, you'll take whatever you can get.

I hope this brings to light just some of the issues we are dealing with, and thus results in some positive changes.
We have a few recommendations: Get a second pair of work shoes, we need a day off every once in a while. Buy some Tough Actin' Tinactin, and for the love of Pete, get some socks. If I have to look at that weird shit growing between your toes any longer I'm going to pull these laces out and strangle myself.

Thank you for your time and consideration in this matter.
Left Work Shoe


chad said...

as one with numerous first-hand accounts of what your feet can do to a pair of shoes, i recommend that you settle out of court if your shoes should resort to 'more drastic measures'

Liz said...

And you ASK why you're not gettin' any...

Margaret said...

wash your feet and keep the shoes frozen when you're not wearing them

Mayren said...

I'm siding with Chad. Buck up and in the words of Larry the Cable-man.... "Git'er Done".

*BTW* Your shoes are very eloquent.

Burg said...

My shoes know better than to speak. One bad word and they're off to the donation bin where it's old lady feet for all eternity!

Churlita said...

My shoes tried to complain to me once, and I just cut their tongues out. Luckily, they never learned how to write.