Sunday, December 24, 2006

I Had A Dream

Liz wipes sleep from her eyes:

Somehow, I was in Rosie O'Donnel's house with my dog, Frito. I do not know Rosie O'Donnel nor do I have a black and white dog named Frito. Her house was NOT very Hollywood. I would define it as middle-class at best. The carpet didn't seem very clean and she had not done a very good job of hiding the wires that hooked up her Web TV to the master unit. It was a 50's style ranch, maybe 1,900 square feet. She had a lot of crap in her house- and I mean junk. Old, unattractive things, cheap frames around terrible art prints. I don't think this is how Ms. O'Donnel really lives, but it's a dream... and it gets worse.

Frito had gotten in some trouble. My B/F/F told me that he was causing a ruckus down the street so I went to investigate. The ruckus he caused was at Rosie's. She invited me in. The next thing you know, I'm a house guest... really. Like I was hundreds of miles away from home and crashing at Rosie's... and her girlfriend was out of town.

Rosie was very upset. Madonna had dumped Guy Ritchie and started dating Lionel Ritchie, with plans to marry. She was checking her Web TV for updates. When she left the room, cursing, her private email came on. There was a message from KILLER!! I opened it, knowing that I shouldn't but it was from KILLER! I had to. It was actually a forward of a forward of a forward that had originated from Killer. The forward said, "Hey. A friend sent me this. I think it's funny. Check it out." I remember being jealous that Killer's "work" is being forwarded to Hollywood stars and mine is not.

When it was time to go to sleep, Rosie said that I would be sleeping in her room. Innocent me thought that meant alone. It did not. In my dream, I woke up with Rosie O'Donnel hitting on me. She was laying beside me in bed, rolled over and put her hand on my leg. She was awake. I was faking sleep. I had on clothes but could feel that she did not. I knew that she knew I was not asleep, but I was not going to give in on this one. There is NO WAY that Rosie O'Donnel was going to violate me!

She finally gave up. I lay in bed waiting for her to go to sleep so that I could get out of there. I felt wronged; I had done nothing to indicate that I was into lesbian love. I had been keeping a safe and appropriate distance between myself and Ms. O'Donnel all night. No flirting, no coy remarks, no batting of eyelashes.

Once she was out, I packed up my duffel bag and went to the web TV. I found the message that had originated from Killer and was able to send him a note. It said:

"A naked Rosie O'Donnel just tried to put her hand on my twat. I'm outta here. If I don't make it out alive, you know where I am."

I left Frito with Ms. O'Donnel. After all, I don't have a dog anyway.

6 comments:

Killer said...

Don't hate the player, hate the game. Just because my posts are making it all the way to Rosie, does not mean I am better than you.
The fact that you didn't bite the bullet and give Rosie some loving and then black mail her for a lot of money, that makes me better than you.

PS..I will forward this post on to Rosie if that makes you feel better.

Churlita said...

Oh my god. Killer probably would have done Rosie for a forwarded blog post. I admire your high moral standards.

You may want to take some No-Doze tonight. Just a thought.

Kim said...

Ha Ha, you said "bite the bullet."

Burg said...

Friggin' horrifying. Thanks for the good old fashioned nightmare fuel. I guess I'll go put on a pot of coffee.

Margaret said...

I know it was just a dream, but don't we all have a responsability to protect innocent animals?

Liz said...

Killer,

I don't know that Rosie would consider my taping our sexcapade as "blackmail". ((Shudders and starts to feel cold)).

Churlita,

Killer would have just done Rosie. No forwarded blog post needed.

Margaret,

You're right. With a name like Frito, that pup is in trouble. I'll see if I can't get back there for the rescue.