Friday, December 08, 2006

Unwanted skills from my Nursing career

I have an ever growing list of skills I have obtained from my seven years of nursing. It is always expanding, and a lot of those skills are very much unwanted. Here is a few examples:

1. I can tell the difference between gangrene, necrotizing fasciitis, and 3rd degree burns by the smell.

2. I can sense if someone shits themselves, like a Jedi Knight of poop.

3. If someone were to walk up to me and take a shit on my shoes, I can nonchalantly say, "It's happened before."

4. I can eat a candy bar while bagging a dead body.

5. I know that little old ladies with dementia can be very horny and grab any part of you within reach.

6. I am all too aware of the amazing assortment of items people shove up their ass, and then be surprisingly modest when it requires a large medical team to remove it.

7. I know that in order to get a homeless guy to not smell like a homeless guy you have to rub him down with water and a large amount of bleach.

8. I know in order to rub a homeless guy down with water and a large amount of bleach you first have to give him two chocolate pudding cups and 5mg valium.

If anyone is considering a career change, I strongly suggest a long look at this list.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have family in the Medical fields you describe and these days only the fake TV stuff actually shocks me. Like the show House. I like the show but their cases are extreme and severe and pushing the limits even for a TV show...

mist1 said...

Can you tell if I've shit myself?

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't last a day. I think I'll go add up some numbers on my spreadsheet now.

desiree said...

I was a mental health tech. I could add to your list...

fringes said...

Thanks for the warning. Of course, I was out of the medical field the first day we practiced giving each other shots.

Killer said...

Mist:
I actually came VERY close to saying in the post, "Mist, go to the bathroom."
Then I realized it was just gas you had.

Mel Francis said...

if I pretend to be homeless will you spike my chocolate pudding with valium?

Liz said...

If you lost your sense of smell would you be less skilled at your job or exceedingly happy?

Jester said...

Having been a paramedic, I have the same skill set. Even though I haven't practiced for almost 10 years, I can still perform these feats.

It's quite a party trick.

I can also smell alcohol on someone's breath from 100 yards.

Oh, and I can predict exactly where and when a stream of projectile vomit is going to sail through the air in my direction.

You only need to be hit with that once before you gain that skill.

Anonymous said...

I needed you at my supervisor's business dinner the other night. You could have cleared up some questions I had.

Jane said...

8. "I know in order to rub a homeless guy down with water and a large amount of bleach you first have to give him two chocolate pudding cups and 5mg valium."

I think it's helpful to take the valium myself and just give homeless guy pudding.

Anonymous said...

So, did I just laugh till I shit myself on the way to the bathroom, or do I just have the walking farts?