Sunday, December 10, 2006

The Lighter Side of Child Abuse

This weekend, while seeing "Blood Diamond" at the theater, I was forced to endure one of my greatest pet peeves. A couple decided to sit behind me with their four year old daughter. I am not sure why you would bring your four year old to "Blood Diamond", especially the 10pm show.

If I go see a kids movie, which I frequently do, I expect and openly embrace the presence of precocious little tykes talking, laughing, and running around. If it is a R rated, two hour and fifteen minute movie, keep your loin fruit at home.

This was not just a regular four year old either, this was obviously an ADD afflicted child being raised by the kind of idiots you see on Nanny 911.

They arrived a few minutes late and I was lucky enough to have them choose the available seats next to me. I didn't really notice the child at first, since I was watching the damn movie, but she quickly made herself known when she started screaming. I gave the parents the cursory exasperated look, received the apologetic smile, as Mom told the little shit, "sweetie, Mommy wants to hear the movie, remember to stay quiet." I knew it was only going to get worse.

They managed to keep her from screaming for a spell by giving her some nachos. She was standing up in the seat and there was an empty seat between us, she would take a chip and look at me and chomp, chew and sputter with her mouth open, while 95% of the chip ended up on me. It was like sitting next to a wood chipper. I quit eating my popcorn after it started tasting like nacho cheese. When she was tired of the nachos she started jumping back and forth between her seat and the empty one next to me. She would even grab hold of my arm and hold onto to me for a few moments. I was flabbergasted. Shouldn't her parents be teaching her not to cling onto strangers? Shouldn't her parents make her sit still? I quickly realized it was going to be my responsibility to help shape the future generation of America. The first plan was to poke her in the eyeball, but I decided to be a little more surreptitious.

She pounced back into her own seat to get a drink from her Mom, so I took the opportunity to raise the seat up. I figured it would at least keep some distance between us so I would not be tempted to follow through with the eyeball stabbing. She got a big gulp from her Mom's beverage and, without looking first, leapt backward to the seat that was no longer there. I wish I could show it in slow motion. She had one foot on her chair and one in mid air, her small little arms started flailing wildly like a wounded bird, and then she fell.

I caught her by the shoulders. Her Dora the Explorer sneaker kicked ferociously in the air and sent her unfinished nachos, cheese and all, onto her Mom. Mom jumped up with a nice coating of canned nacho cheese in her lap. The little shit stood up and started crying maniacally because her nachos were gone.

The theater was alive with angered shushing and passive aggressive groaning. Mom snatched up the screaming little shit and walked out of the theater. Dad continued watching the movie, not only did he not move to help, but I think he was one of the angry shushers.

About twenty minutes later, Mom returned with little shit, who was now clutching tenaciously to a bag of peanut M&Ms. The girl sat still for about three M&Ms before squeezing past me and getting into the aisle. Her parents never seemed to notice. She slowly worked her way down to the front of the theater, staring at everyone as she went, and still carrying the giant bag of M&Ms. She gradually built up more speed going up and down the aisle until finally she was practically running back and forth. I was just fantasizing about tripping her on her next pass when the guy in front of me did.

She flew forward and there was a loud splat. The first five seconds all I heard was the sound of hundreds of M&Ms loudly rolling down the slope towards freedom, and then she started screaming. Mom got up to check on her (surprisingly slowly), picked her up (I did not see any blood or anything) and left the theater. Dad kept watching as if nothing ever happened. I mentally high fived the guy in front of me who took the initiative to offer the little girl a valuable life lesson, and then I watched the rest of the movie in peace and quiet.


mist1 said...

The term "loin fruit" disturbs me. I dated a guy with a loin fuit once. He called it a hernia, but it looked like a fruit to me.

Killer said...

Mist: Yeah "loin fruit" is my own bastardization of fruit of my loin.
I was not sure how well it would go over.

Jester said...

Loin fruit sounds almost tasty. I'll bet it would be good with cottage cheese or yogurt.

Loin fruit on the bottom.

And sorry... but when you have children under the age of say... 8... you don't have any business taking them to the movies. I don't care if it's the latest Care Bears movie or Texas Nightmare at Sleepaway Camp. Kids should not be in a darkened theater with strangers. That's why God invented dvd's.

You want to see a movie? Hire a babysitter. You can't afford a babysitter? Rent a dvd.

Fringes said...

I wish you had been there to make a bootleg video of the movie so that you could have turned your camera on this hilarious turn of events instead. I really don't care if your babysitting plans fell through and you haven't been out of the house since your quadruple bypass six months ago, leave the toddler at home, unattended if you must, before bringing her to this type of film. I'd have had the manager involved way before my popcorn had a drop of nacho cheese on it. You are a better man than me, Killer.

Mayren said...

Did anyone stop to think that the Jedi Mind Tricks were at play here?
I mean the 8 year old had it coming but sheesh - one more blatant use of Miticlorients and i'll have to report you to the Jedi Council!

shoes said...

too funny. i also applaud the gentleman who tripped the child but in reality shouldnt someone went and punched the father and/or mother just once. they are the ones who need a good beat down. quit being so cheap and get a babysitter

Mel Francis said...

as a parent who enjoys going to the occasional flick I can honestly say this is one of my biggest pet peeves. (cell phones in the theater is another) Either get a dogdamned babysitter or stay home. $7 an hour for 3 hours equals the amount of money they spent on the movie theater food to shut the kid up. Which didn't work anyway.

Cover Your Mouth said...

Someone shoulda told her that bad little girls like her go work in diamond mines in Africa.

othur-me said...

Look, she's not my kid...she's my girlfriend's little brat and I told her to leave her in the car while we went in to see the movie, but she started blabbin' on about "too cold" and "frost bite" or somethin' or other...and I was like "Fine, whatever, but she's gonna have to steal her own M&Ms...and if she makes me miss the previews I'm going to give her the beatdown of her life when we get back to the trailer."

Margaret said...

way to go, making the little girl cry

Fringes said...

I liked the loin fruit turn of phrase, by the way. I shall start using it in public forums.

Liz said...

My heart goes out to you. I'm PISSED and I wasn't even there.

You can look intimidating. You should have hovered over the man and in your booming voice said, "Either leave with the kid or I'm taking $15 out of your ass, fuck head." You then follow up with a comment about how the hooker he's with isn't worth $15 then you scream, "I eat 4 year old bastard children for breakfast! YARRRRRR!"

I swear I'd have bailed you out.

I once had some asshole read all of the subtiltes from "Traffic" aloud in the theater to her 16 or 17 year old (son I guess). There are A LOT of subtitles in that movie. Especailly when Tijuana is pronounced "Tie Juh Ann Ya" over and over and over and over and over and over and over and...

I'm still irrate about that. I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Liz said...

By the way, is "Blood Diamond" the name of a real movie? That you PAID to see?