Wednesday, December 20, 2006

I believe the children are our future.

A post by Uncle Killer

In about four weeks I am going to be an Uncle for the first time. My joys are two fold. First, my Mother will be awarded a Grandchild, so the pressure is off me to end my nomadic, spinster ways. Second, I am going to have unfettered access to a young impressionable mind to nurture and pass along the vast amounts of wisdom I have collected over the years. Most of which I choose to ignore.

Dispensing with the obvious lessons, Don't do drugs, Do good in school, Don't be a racist, Do share you candy with Uncle Killer. Those are more for the parents to instill. I have much more valuable information to share.

* Don't be a LSU fan.
This will be tough considering your Daddy is a Coon Ass. A Coon Ass is a person of Southern Louisiana upbringing. Please don't misunderstand, you will not find a more honest spoken, hard working group of people. Maybe it is something about living in a swamp, mixed with French ancestry, that makes wearing purple and yellow polyester and fervently believing the sun revolves around Baton Rouge an uncontrollable disorder.
I have lived all over the country and there is no sports fan, professional or amateur, more obnoxious than LSU fans.
(note: if you ever meet a person from Southern Louisiana feel free to call them a Coon Ass, they have no shame in the matter.)

* Don't eat your vegetables.
I realized long ago the ugly truth behind the Pro-vegetable propaganda. They taste like crap and they offer nothing you can't get from a daily vitamin and a glass of Metamucil. If you stand strong together we can someday bring those evil broccoli and English pea farmers who secretly control our government to their knees.

* Don't get potty trained.
Right now you can use the bathroom anywhere and anytime you want. Why give that up? Once they trick you into "using the potty like a big boy" you can never go back. Trust me, I have tried. Once everybody associates you with smelling like urine and feces they'll get used to it and you can get on with your care free life. Besides port-a-potties and public restrooms are disgusting. At least you will be able to rest assured you are the only person shitting in YOUR pants.

This is just a small sampling of the nuggets of wisdom I am going to pass along to my nephew. Once I make him into my image I can pass my half of this blog down to him to continue.
I think Liz is leaning towards cloning to keep her half alive, but until that technology is ready I am going to have my nephew prepared as a back up plan.


Mel Francis said...

I have lived all over the country and there is no sports fan, professional or amateur, more obnoxious than LSU fans.


othurme said...

Teach them well and let them pee their pants.

mist1 said...

I still remember the kid that smelled like pee in elementary school. George. I bet he still smells like pee.

Jester said...

I think you assume much in saying that you are the only person who will be shitting in your own pants.

Some people are into that sort of thing.

Not me, of course, since I hate to be dirty, but you really should attempt to be more inclusive in your teachings.

Churlita said...

I don't know about the obnoxious sports fan comment. You must have never met an Iowa fan.

Liz said...

Your children well
and they can smell
like their own urine

Them with your dreams
and they can blog
instead of working

Don't you ever ask them why
If they told you would cry
So just look at them and smile
(smile, smile, smile)
And know they hate you

gatey said...


Do you know a fan of an Iowa opponent who has been pissed on from the bleachers at an Iowa game? I ask because I know a Mississippi State fan who got that Southern hospitality in Baton Rouge.

Mel Francis said...

I (an Arkansas fan) was smacked in the back with a flying Jim Beam bottle by an LSU fan.