Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Millions of years of evolution all leading to me

A Walking Stick (Baculum Extradentatum) is a bug who looks exactly like a stick. Evolution narrowed down all the less stick looking members of his species until only the stickiest ones were getting laid and having even more stick looking kids.

A Firefly (Arthropoda Photinus) lights up his ass so he can, well, get some ass. That retarded firefly, Jimmy, can't light his ass up, and therefore he still lives at home with his parents. On Friday night when the other Fireflies all have their asses a-blaze he is playing with himself and the species grows stronger.

There are millions of examples of evolution taking place right before our eyes everyday. I think I might be on the losing end of Darwin's grand idea. I 'm 33 and have not yet added to the propagation of our species. Is that evolution working it's magic or am I just too lazy to find a home for my anxiously awaiting sperm to make that final dash into destiny? Could I be carrying the crucial mutation needed to take Mankind to the next level?

I just might be more advanced than the rest of you normal humans. So what if I can't fly, or if I have webbed feet? There are some special things about me and I am going to use them to make my case.

I have a thick layer of insulating "fatty" tissue and a protective covering of fur enveloping me. Sure today's society views these as unappealing, but I bet the first Firefly to light his ass up was seen as a freak as well. Then the ladies realized they could not spot any other guys in the dark, so his shiny ass suddenly was swamped with horny bugs.

If we enter another ice age, I am going to be nice and toasty warm, and so will the post-apocalyptic babe that is clinging tenaciously to my fat, hairy torso.
If we allow global warming to turn the earth into a desert landscape, I will be able to outlast all the skinny "in-shape" guys by subsisting on my ample stores of calories, and my thick luxurious coat, although a tad warm, will protect me from the deadly UV rays. I could probably shave off a little patch and make a protective coat for my special lady companion as well.

I think that offers up a pretty good case of my importance in the future of Homo Sapiens. I 'm still too lazy to get out there and argue this case in a bar or to a single woman at the grocery store. So, if you know anyone print this out and give them a copy. They will want to get on board before everyone else realizes my value and the competition gets fierce.

Who knows, if you make the referral, after society crashes down around us, I might make you a protective coat from my body hair also.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

What other advanced features do you have?

I can touch my tongue to my nose.

EEK said...

I've printed off forty copies of your post and your bunny picture from Halloween. I'll disseminate them to all of my girlfriends this weekend.

fringes said...

Have you tried Yahoo personals? Those women will fuck anybody. I'll back that claim with a one-month membership guarantee. I don't know if you'll find love, but if you don't find sex, I'll pay for the month.

Mel Francis said...

Does this mean your future great x 10 grandkid, Glorm, might not even be around for the Retro Abortions?

Get thee to Match.com stat!

othur-me said...

Killer - I think four single women just politely told you to "keep moving, nothing to see here", and on your own blog.

gatey said...

i'm married and straight...but i want to jump your silly bones.

mist1 said...

I am skinny and hairless. I expect my species to be wiped out by cold this winter.

Jester said...

Killer - Now that you're in Northern California you can take advantage of the REAL purpose of Craigslist.org.

You can find ANYONE willing to do ANYTHING for ANY reason.

I'm sure you can find a like-minded partner just by posting a few of these lines in the Men Seeking Women section.

In fact, I'd be happy to post it and screen the responses for you.

Protective body hair patch not required. I have my own.

chad said...

you missed the perfect oportunity to make that protective coat. remember that taylor's a couple doors down from where you first got your back waxed on kao san road? those guys were so desperate they probably wouldn't have blinked