Sunday, December 31, 2006

The Good the Bad and the Funky

A menage a trois eulogy by Killer

"Celebrities die in threes." A common quote and a hardened belief. This past week it was given good support for it's credence.

President Gerald Ford ended his reign as the oldest surviving former President. Thanks to the multitude of 24 hour news channels, I could watch a non stop video feed of strangers walking past a coffin. I kept hoping someone would trip and knock the box over as a final tribute to Gerry. When Gerry gets to the Pearly gates this will be the conversation, "Gerry, you were a good man. It would seem like you should be a shoe in." Says St. Peter. "But, that Nixon pardon...not even J.C. would have turned that cheek."

Saddam Hussein was sent to spend eternity with forty virgins and a mule. (I think that is how the Koran promises it) I don't know if you can count being executed in the celebrity death threesome, but it will have to do. Saddam's demise was very anti-climactic. Personally, I think they should have tied him up on a Baghdad street corner and let any Iraqi's, wanting to participate, kick him in the nuts. It is a sad testament to our progress rebuilding the Iraqi infrastructure. They had to lynch Saddam because apparently they couldn't spare the juice for an electric chair.

The Godfather of Soul, James Brown, the hardest working man in show business, had a long and illustrious career of toe tapping tunes. ("I feel good", "I'm black and I'm proud", etc.) He also had his fair share of misunderstandings with the law. Whether it be drugs, alcohol, or a little innocent wife beating, "the Man" was always trying to hold the Soul Man down.
This is how I want the funeral to end: The coffin is wheeled down in front of the Apollo theater. When the grandiose music dies down, Brown's cape flunky rushes over and covers the coffin with the infamous cape. Suddenly the lid flies open and Brown leaps up and does one last funky hip shuffle. His lifeless body settles back into the coffin. James Brown knows how to end a show.


Churlita said...

I think we can call Saddam a celebrity. Wasn't he the one getting out of the limo with Paris and letting us see he was going Commando?

Liz said...

A president, a dictator, and a godfather all die within a few days of each other. There is a joke in there somewhere but I can't quite make it connect.

St. Peter asks Gerald Ford "Why should I let you into heaven?" Ford says "because I lead my country through the healing after a crook had destroyed thier hope." St. Pete lets him pass.

James Brown approaches the gate and St. Peter asks "Why should I let you into heaven?" Brown says, "because through my music I have lifted many spirits and made many people happy." St. Pete lets him pass.

Sadam Hussein approaches the gate and St. Peter asks "Why should I let you into heaven?" Sadam says, "because it's the only place I can find 40 virgins." St. Pete says, "Hey, Mr. Stud, it was a lot tougher to score in 4 A.D. than it is today!"

You wanna work on that in your spare time? :)

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